


Lie Again

by hoshi_loop



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentioned SEVENTEEN Ensemble, Seventeen - Freeform, kpop, svt - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:00:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 36,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25722469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoshi_loop/pseuds/hoshi_loop
Summary: Jihoon has been attending group therapy for months but the darkness in his mind has yet to cease...until a new boy shows up.TW: Abuse. Suicide. Sexual situations consensual and not.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 46
Kudos: 64





	1. Teen,Age

"You know for this to work you have to actually participate, right?" Jeonghan nudged Jihoon who continued to ignore him while scanning the table full of snacks. "I'm beginning to think you come for the food only."   
  
Jihoon turns his head toward Jeonghan, "Honestly, the snacks are shit..I show up because I'm forced to." He turns back to the table to grab a handful of knock off oreos and shoves one in his mouth smiling at Jeonghan. Jihoon didn't mind Jeonghan, really, but he hated how he liked to pry. That was his job though, Jeonghan was the group therapy leader and had been for a few years now. He was definitely easier to stomach than the old leader though. Jeonghan finally sighed and walked towards the circle of chairs that was in the center of the room. Jihoon watched him get comfortable and pull out the notepad he has every week. He had tried to get a sneak of what all Jeonghan would write once but Jeonghan caught him and quickly swatted him on the head.   
  
Jihoon sighed and threw the rest of his cookies in the trash. They really were shit. He walked over to his normal spot in the circle and stared at his sneakers while the other teens filled in. Jihoon didn't know any of them. He forced his mom to let him come to this certain group because it was miles away from his school which meant he wasn't going to run into anyone he knew. Not that Jihoon was particularly popular at school but his best friend was. Seungcheol had been his friend since they were younger and when Seungcheol bloomed into the "IT" guy at school, Jihoon was fine with staying the quiet "guard dog" as so many classmates referred to him. Jihoon didn't think he was that scary but he did get slight enjoyment when he notices people become nervous when needing to talk to him. Here at group though was a different story..so many people approached him, no matter how obvious he made it that he didn't want them to. This bullshit safe place thing was really starting to feel a bit too smothering to him.   
  
Jihoon fought to keep his eyes open while another group member went into a long spiel about his mommy issues. Jihoon rolled his eyes listening because its the same story every week and Jeonghan sits there and listens as if it was the first time he was hearing it.   
  
"Fuck!" a voice called out and a loud crash followed. The whole group turned to face the commotion. Jihoon even turned because hell, this was something new so might as well enjoy it. "I am SO sorry. Wow. Okay! I was late and I was just trying to get a chair and I knocked the whole pile over and I..." The boy's cheeks are flushed and he is smiling so hard his eyes have turned into tiny moons. It takes a second but Jihoon immediately recognizes him. Kwon Soonyoung. A classmate and one who very much knows who Jihoon is. Their eyes meet a second and Jihoon holds the gaze as if to challenge Soonyoung to speak of this outside of the group.   
  
"Soonyoung, come. Sit. Its fine. Tell us about you." Jeonghan helps Soonyoung carry a chair over, a hand on the small of his back guiding him. He plops the chair right next to Jihoon and smiles.   
  
Jihoon scowls. What the fuck. Jihoon keeps his eyes to the ground while Soonyoung settles in next to him, accidentally nudging Jihoon with one of his elbows while trying to smooth down his hair.   
  
"Aw yes, please fix your hair, it is triggering" Jihoon slights. Soonyoung turns to Jihoon with eyebrows raised before busting out a loud laugh. Jihoon can't help but laugh as well but immediately sucks it in when he sees the pleased look on Jeonghan's face.   
  
"What an asshole. Cute. But an asshole." Soonyoung chuckles to himself before turning his focus to Jeonghan. Jihoon wrings his hands a bit and hates the way his heart skipped when he heard Soonyoung call him cute.   
  
"Okay, Soonyoung..please tell us more about why you have joined us." Jeonghan smiles and turns to a new page in his notebook.   
  
"Uh. Well, I am forced." Soonyoung smiles. Jihoon finds the corner of his mouth turning up but refuses to look up at him.   
  
"Well, yes..many are, Soonyoung. Was there something that caused your family to make this decision?"   
  
"Oh, okay, so we are just gonna go straight in?" Soonyoung laughs but Jihoon notices Soonyoung's fingers digging small half moons into his arm skin. "Its childish really...typical. Boy falls in love with boy. Boy breaks boy's heart. Boy swallows a bottle of pills. Also, my father left when I was younger so I mean I'm sure it's all his fault, right?"  
  
Jihoon looks up at Soonyoung and is surprised by how open he just was. Sure it was laced with sarcasm and snark but he just admitted many things that even Jihoon won't admit to himself.   
  
"Soonyoung, clearly you are smart but its not always so black and white. I'm sure the comment about your father was a jab at how a lot of psychiatrists try to pin things on these big moments in our lives..but I'm sure you know that yeah, it probably didn't help how you feel about yourself. Also, heartbreak is not childish." Jeonghan scribbles on his pad.   
  
"Well, yeah, heartbreak isn't..but trying to kill myself over it?" Soonyoung leans forward elbows on his knees trying to see what Jeonghan is writing. Jihoon smirks when Jeonghan glares at Soonyoung until he leans back into his chair.   
  
"Your reaction was extreme but not childish. We need to look into why you thought that was your only option. We need to find out what you think is your self worth." Jeonghan goes on to discuss with the group about how we view ourselves can...blah blah blah..Jihoon has already tapped out again. This time though he can't help but to keep stealing glances at Soonyoung. Although he does appear to be listening to what Jeonghan is saying he has a small smile on his face as if he also knows this is all pure bullshit.   
  
After group ends Jihoon heads towards the exit and pulls out his phone to check if his mom has arrived yet, she hasn't. He sighs and takes a seat at the steps outside the door. Other members file out and he finds himself searching for Soonyoung. When everyone has moved out and he doesn't see Soonyoung he leans back a bit to look into the community center and he sees Jeonghan deep in conversation with Soonyoung. Jihoon strains to try to read their lips and then quickly turns away when Soonyoung meets his gaze.   
  
"I always figured you were fucked up a bit." Soonyoung chuckles sitting himself next to Jihoon on the stairs.  
  
Jihoon looks at Soonyoung in shock at what was just said. He hesitates but then he breaks out into laughter. Soon both boys are laughing until their eyes are filled with tears.   
  
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jihoon checked the time again..it would be the third time and looked out the window once more to see if Seungcheol had arrived yet. He sends a quick text scolding him about being late to class and immediately his phone starts to ring.   
  
"Just fuck right on off would you, Hoonie?" Seungcheol laughs into the phone. "I'm pulling up now."   
  
Jihoon smiles and rushes down stairs to head out when his father grabs him by the collar.   
  
"Are you supposed to run in this house?" his voice is harsh and Jihoon can smell the alcohol on his breath.   
  
"Are you supposed to be drunk at 8am?" Jihoon mutters before he can stop himself.   
  
SMACK  
  
Jihoon knows to not react. If he reacts that will give his dad what he wants and he refuses to ever give that man anything. Jihoon pulls himself away from his fathers grip and slides out the front door. He tries to not think about the way his mom looks at him, pleading him to forgive her, before he closes the door.   
  
"Jihoon, your face is red." Seungcheol says studying Jihoon up close.   
  
"Stop being gay. If you want a kiss just say so." Jihoon jokes pushing Seungcheol away from him. He knows poking fun at Seungcheol's sexuality will stop him from prying any further.   
  
"I'm not gay. And I'm not stupid. You should just swing back." Seungcheol says matter of fact. Jihoon shakes his head and leans against the window. He closes his eyes and imagines what it would be like to be that stupid and oblivious to think its that easy..just to swing back.   
  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
When they arrive to school Seungcheol is immediately crowded by other classmates and a few girls even hold on to him as he walks. Jihoon trails behind and eventually breaks off to head to his locker letting Seungcheol deal with the crowd. He tries to open his locker several times but gets frustrated when he fails again. Resting his head on the locker he jumps when the locker opens magically. He looks shocked and then realizes there is a hand grabbing a book out. He turns and sees Soonyoung.   
  
"Your locker is one over, Lee. Or did you just miss me already?" Soonyoung teased. Jihoon looks at Soonyoung with disgust and moves one over to open his locker. He can feel Soonyoung still there smiling which frustrates him but also he is weirdly intrigued by this boy which frustrates him even more.   
  
"Look..I chose that group so I wouldn't meet anyone here. So, I would appreciate it if you would keep it to yourself and continue to act like you don't know me." Jihoon pushes past Soonyoung ignoring the fading smile on the boy's face. 


	2. Left & RIght

The sun warmed Jihoon's eyelids until he finally gave in and opened them, cursing himself for leaving the curtains open. The weekend had just started and he was already dreading being home for two days. Most kids would be happy to be free from school but it gave Jihoon a chance to escape his father and his pathetic mother. Jihoon sat up and ran his hand over his face wiping away any remainders of sleep and scolded himself for thinking such poor thoughts about his mother. How could he blame her? Unfortunately, Jihoon had to step up to be the man of the house whenever his father decided a bottle of gin was more important than his family, so all in all it was his job to protect his mother..but..sometimes he wishes she would just protect him once or at least help pick up the pieces of his heart after every blow to the face his father gives.   
  
It wasn't always like this. Jihoon had a great childhood. All the picture perfect milestones and moments that any Disney movie could dream up. His mom would wake him early with his favorite treat..pancakes piled high with whipped cream and strawberries. He wasn't much of a sweets person but he savored anything his mother made. His dad was a very important somebody at some high end corporation--Jihoon never was one to pay much attention to specifics. They were very well off which was great during his younger years because it helped him stay up to speed with his best friend Seungcheol, who was probably the richest kid in the neighborhood. Jihoon was able to make sure he had all the right labels for his clothes and all the newest tech to make sure he fit in just where he needed. He never saw much of his father during this time or really even in his earliest years..but his father was there when it counted. When he was 5 and thought there was a monster under his bed his father had heroically barged into his room towel tied around his neck and a large wooden baking spoon prepared for battle. Jihoon had laughed so hard at the site of his father that he had totally forgotten about the monster itself. When he was 9 his dad attended all his basketball games even though Jihoon was terrible, he had only joined because Seungcheol had begged. At 13 his father was there to give him relationship advice when he expressed to his dad that he had feelings for someone but they didn't feel the same. That would be the last good moment he had of his father..it would also be the first bad moment too.   
  
When Jihoon uttered the name "Joshua" and he saw his dad turn to him in confusion and then that quickly turn to a look of disgust. His father immediately stood up and slapped Jihoon across the face calling him a name he had only once heard in a movie. He didn't know the meaning of the word then but he knew it was a hurtful one. It seemed after the moment he came out to his father everything went downhill. His dad started drinking more and looking at him less unless it was to scold him. The constant hitting didn't start until his father had lost his job. The hits came faster and harder as everything else was taken away..first their sports car, their luxury home, and more. His mother was able to find them a small apartment with the help of a friend so luckily they weren't out of a house for long. When his father found out his mother's friend who helped them was another man then thats when he started accusing her of being a whore. His hits began to turn to Jihoon's mother and Jihoon spent many nights scooping his mother from the floor and tucking her into bed while his father had left for the bar or had finally passed out on the couch. The last night Jihoon tucked his mother into bed he promised her that he would take the hits, because she sobbed that she couldn't anymore. His mother didn't refuse or even offer another option..she had already been worn down..just a shell of a woman she used to be.   
  
To keep his father away from his mother Jihoon had to purposely piss his father off. Either by being loud-his favorite way was blasting gay porn. As soon as he would hear his mom start to cry he would turn up the volume on his computer and a few seconds later his door would be busting open or by having Seungcheol pick him up in the mornings which infuriated his father knowing Joshua was his brother. Jihoon's gayness was the one thing he could pinpoint that made his father the monster he had turned into but outside the home Jihoon didn't speak a word of his sexuality out of fear that everyone else would turn into one too. The only person who knew was Seungcheol but they don't talk about it..not anymore..not after what happened.  
  
Jihoon's thoughts are interrupted by his phone chiming. He ignores it at first but then two more, three more chimes went off. He reached over to his bedside table to check his messages and opens a group text with a bunch of random numbers he didn't know.  
  
"Everyone. This is Jeonghan. The community center is holding an event so we are out of a room to use."   
  
Jihoon quietly thanks God that he gets to skip group only to be quickly shut down.   
  
"So, I figured we could all meet at the park on 96th. Maybe some fresh air will help clear our minds. Be there at 2."  
  
Oh, cool. Group. In public. In a very public, very close to his school park. He glances at the time and groans. Its already past noon and knowing he will have to walk means he needs to leave in less than an hour. He glances at the group text again watching everyone thumbs up the message until a bubble pops up.   
  
"Being outside literally makes me want to slit my wrists but yeah sounds great :)!"

Jihoon immediately starts laughing and can already tell that that number belongs to Soonyoung. The group starts going into hysterics. Some laughing, others saying how insensitive that is, and Jeonghan trying to explain humor is a way to mask emotions at times but that we will discuss it at 2.

Jihoon is still smirking when he clicks on the number above the bubble and holds it until a drop down asks if he wants to save new contact. He hesitates but types in a simple tiger face emoji. He isn't sure why he can't type out Soonyoung's name without his heart skipping so he just decides against it. He chooses the tiger emoji simply because its cheeks and half moon eyes remind him of Soonyoung.   
  
______________________  
  
"Mom, I'm going to group. Its at the park today so you don't have to worry about a ride." Jihoon leans over the kitchen counter reaching for an apple. She turns from the dishes and smiles weakly at him. He doesn't say much because he knows she enjoys the long drive to therapy because it gives her an excuse to leave this house for more than a grocery run. "Mom..you could still drive though. He won't know."   
  
She thinks the statement over a bit but sighs and turns back to the dishes before telling Jihoon to not be late. Jihoon leaves the apple..his appetite suddenly gone. He reaches the door and digs for his jean jacket and his black cap. He does a quick once over in the mirror and then scolds himself for even caring about how he looks to go to therapy. He leaves the house and reaches the sidewalk when he sees his father drive up. They both hold a stern gaze as he pulls into the driveway and Jihoon picks up his steps. He is already around the corner before he hears his name being called.   
  
Jihoon at some point must have broke into a run because he has arrived to the park faster than expected and is the only one here except an older couple and a boy sleeping under a tree. He walks past the boy sleeping quietly but jumps when he hears his name. He turns and sees the boy at the base of the tree is Soonyoung. Jihoon can't help but notice how Soonyoung's hair slightly sticks to his forehead from sweat maybe..its pretty cool today..but its sticks in places and his eyes almost bug out when he notices Soonyoung is wearing eye makeup.   
  
"You wear makeup?" Jihoon blurts out. Soonyoung laughs and nods.   
  
"Not a lot..but I do like a good smokey eye occasionally. You'd look great with some too just around the edges..maybe a slight red tint on your lips." Soonyoung's eyes land on Jihoon's lips who is now very much aware that he could probably use chapstick. Wait..why does he care about his lips and Soonyoung?   
  
Jihoon waves Soonyoung away and sits down next to him. They sit in silence for a bit while they both get lost in their own heads. Something that rarely happens. During group sessions Soonyoung always has something to say to Jihoon but then they go back to school and Soonyoung doesn't even look his way.   
  
"Why are you at group?" Soonyoung asks so quietly that Jihoon almost didn't hear. Jihoon feels his body go stiff and he knows that Soonyoung has noticed too.   
  
"My mother thinks it will help me." Jihoon says through gritted teeth. Soonyoung doesn't say anything for a bit..just pulls at some blades of grass.  
  
He looks over at Jihoon and smiles softly before saying, "Well, obviously. But what do you need help with?"  
  
Jihoon pushes himself up to his feet and looks down at Soonyoung. "You don't know how to be quiet do you? It was almost enjoyable just sitting with you but you can't help but ruin it with the shit that comes out of your mouth." Jihoon says a bit too harshly. He immediately regrets getting that way with Soonyoung but when he doesn't see it phase Soonyoung he can't help himself..he needs to push Soonyoung's buttons. "Some of us have real shit..not just high school breakups with faggots." As soon as the word leaves he covers his mouth in shock. At himself. At that word. A word he hadn't heard since his father said it. Or since he heard Seungcheol say it. He sees the hurt in Soonyoung's eyes and turns to just walk towards the group he sees forming.  
  
"Whoever hurt you, Jihoon...you didn't deserve it." he hears Soonyoung call out. Frustrated he walks straight past the group and up to Jeonghan.   
  
Jeonghan seems surprised at the closeness of Jihoon and the anger behind his eyes. "I can't do this today." Jihoon's voice breaks.   
  
"Just sit. You can't go home like this. Just sit and listen. I won't ask you any questions." Jeonghan places his hands on Jihoon's shoulders. "Just breathe."   
  
By the time Jihoon does catch a breath, he does as Jeonghan suggests and sits down. He glances and sees Soonyoung walking up to the group. There are two seats left open. One next to Jihoon and one not. Soonyoung walks up to the one next to Jihoon but second guesses and chooses the other. Jihoon relaxes knowing he won't have to sit next to him but at the same time he misses the warm feeling of Soonyoung at his side. Its been a few group sessions now and they always sit next to each other and each time Soonyoung's arm always brushes his own and it'll stay there for just a few minutes but it feels like a lifetime to Jihoon.  
  
The meeting starts and Jihoon checks out. He doesn't even have the energy to make fun of the others in his head. He feels Jeonghan's gaze on him often but he refuses to acknowledge it. He almost falls asleep when he hears Soonyoung say that he wants to talk. Jihoon immediately catches Soonyoung's gaze and glares. Willing Soonyoung to not talk about what Jihoon had just called him.   
  
"I haven't really taken this group seriously." Soonyoung starts nervously pulling at the loose strands in his distressed jeans. "Its not that I don't care. Humor is just easier than actual feelings. But I want to talk about why I did what I did." Jihoon feels his palms sweating. He knew the basis of Soonyoung's story but he didn't know the details..and he didn't want to. He wasn't ready to hear what broke such a beautiful boy. He hated that he thought of him this way but its the only word he can think of to describe him, other than loud of course.   
  
"I've always been different. A little shy although I am often the one to make a scene and make others laugh. I'm actually not extroverted or over talkative like so many assume." Jihoon rolls his eyes at this obvious jab towards himself. "Usually by the end of the day I'm so exhausted being this person others need me to be..but sometimes I don't even know who me is anymore. When I am..me..I am overwhelmed with sadness and I'm not sure why. I have friends but nothing seems connected..its surface level. I've only ever had a connection with two people. My dad and Ming..the boy." Soonyoung quickly corrects himself before saying a name. Words spilling from his lips that Jihoon can't tear his eyes from. "My dad though..he abused me. Often. In..lots of ways.." His voice breaks a bit and he stops to take a breath. Jihoon feels the back of his neck getting warm and he tries shaking the words he is hearing from his mind.   
  
"He left when I told my mom and although I know she loves me..I think she is mad I took her husband from her. That perfect family life she had. I think probably all of that also is why I let boys treat me the way they do..as if I'm an experiment or just a play thing."   
  
Jihoon's chair tips over when he jumps up. Everyone looks at him and Jeonghan starts to get up too, eyes filled with worry. Soonyoung looks up at Jihoon his eyes wet and tips of his ears turning red. Jihoon peels his eyes away from the pain in Soonyoung's and starts to walk. He walks past the group and through the trees. He walks until his shoes hit pavement. He stops when he reaches an old building and he leans against it and fights everything in him to not cry..but he does.

He's not even sure why he is crying. He doesn't even know Soonyoung. He doesn't even know what...what any of Soonyoung's issues are like..but he feels the same ache in his heart as he did when he promised his mom that he would take her pain so she could heal. Is that what Jihoon was willing to do for Soonyoung? For a stranger? Was it even possible? Pain and hurt and every emotion that Jihoon had been harboring for the last few years boiled up and over until he found himself punching the white brick of the building, until it started turning red. Seeing the red on the brick shook Jihoon out of whatever the hell that just was and he quickly looked around to see if anyone had seen him basically have a meltdown. He winced as he shoved his hands into his pockets and headed home. It was still light out so he knew his dad would still be awake..probably not sober..but awake.  
  
"Seungcheol. Can I come over?" Jihoon asked urgently into his phone.   
  
\-------------------------  
  
Seungcheol's room hasn't changed since they were little. The walls still have the basketball border along the tops of the wall and he still has the old dresser that they had both decorated with stickers of big breasted chicks and other weird random preteen boy stupidness. Jihoon sits on the beanbag chair in the corner of the room while Seungcheol leans back in his gaming chair at his desk. His eyes are going between Jihoon sitting in the floor with bloody hands and his League game.   
  
"Are you going to clean that up?"   
  
Jihoon rolls his eyes and stands up to cross the hall to the bathroom. While he is washing the blood from his hands he looks at himself in the mirror and feels disgusted. Is he like his father? Would this be something his father would do? He tells himself no..his dad would hit a woman or a child not a wall..but Jihoon can't help but shake the feeling that maybe his dad's behavior will somehow be passed down to him. He drys his hands and is about to walk out when he notices Joshua leaning against the bathroom door.   
  
"Hoonie, what have you done?" Joshua scoops up Jihoon's hands in his and tenderly holds them looking into Jihoon's eyes. Jihoon sighs and lets his body fall against Joshua's who openly welcomes this and embraces him. Joshua was Seungcheol's older brother and was for the longest time the only reason Jihoon was able to not be swallowed by the darkness in his life.   
  
Ever since they were kids Jihoon had always followed Joshua around like a puppy. He was so beautiful and soft spoken. His voice sent shivers down Jihoon's body whenever he would hear him sing along to a song on the radio. He always babied Jihoon a bit..was always more careful with him than Seungcheol's other friends. Often Jihoon would rush over after a blow up with his father to find only Joshua home but Joshua always let him in. They had spent a lot of nights together. Joshua wiping away Jihoon's tears and tending to his bruises..kissing them softly until they didn't hurt anymore. Eventually Jihoon's thoughts were only Joshua. Seungcheol started noticing Jihoon's attention wasn't with him but with his older brother and it caused many fights. Jihoon brushing it off as just being an only child and wishing he had an older brother too..and that seemed to ease Seungcheol off a bit until Seungcheol walked in on the both of them.   
  
"Shua..you are home?" Jihoon gasps through tears. "Seungcheol..he didn't tell me." Joshua smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes and lets go of Jihoon helping him steady himself.   
  
"Well, I'm not surprised. Are you? He barely talks to me." Joshua whispers while glancing back at Seungcheol's closed door. "Jihoon you have to tell someone about your father. You cannot live like this."   
  
Jihoon doesn't hear anything Joshua is saying, he's just looking at him. The way his hair has gotten longer and lighter. The way his arms have slightly toned and shaped. Without thinking Jihoon leans in to kiss Joshua.   
  
"Jihoon." Joshua pushes him back. Jihoon tries to read Joshua's face but can't seem to figure out exactly what Joshua is thinking. "This ended. It should have never started. You know that. I..I'm away at university now..I have someone." Jihoon's breath hitches and he immediately cusses himself for breaking down and exposing himself and his pain so easily to Joshua again even after Joshua had left him with even more hurt a year ago.  
  
The words "It should have never started" kept replaying in his mind and he begs Joshua for a moment alone. He closes the door behind Joshua and locks it before sitting down back against the door. He can hear hushed whispers through the door he assumes are Seungcheol and Joshua but he can't stop thinking about what Joshua said.   
  
Joshua was there. Took care of him. He never intended on falling in love with him or to keep it a secret from his best friend. What started with small kisses here and there turned into steamy make out sessions in Joshua's car when he dropped him off..or quick kisses and lingering hands in the hallways outside of Seungcheol's room. Once they even jacked each other off while watching a movie..both of them under the covers on the couch and Seungcheol at their feet sprawled out on the floor completely unaware of what was happening behind him. They did everything but sex. Even though Jihoon begged-Joshua was too worried because of the age difference and because Jihoon still wasn't even sure what his sexuality was. He was too young. Especially mentally-Joshua would tell him. University was coming up quick for Joshua and this made Jihoon more needy. Joshua knew it but entertained it a bit, because in a way Joshua enjoyed the attention he got. Being one of the few openly gay kids at school was hard but here was a boy who many girls pined after that only wanted him. Joshua knew it was wrong..this was taking advantage of Jihoon but it felt good to be wanted and he knew he filled whatever emptiness Jihoon hid inside himself.

One night Jihoon finally convinced Joshua to let him fill himself inside of him and it was a feeling so intense that Jihoon thought his whole body would rip at the seams. He had never felt so real..so complete than at that moment inside Joshua. Their bodies were shined with sweat and Jihoon could barely keep a rhythm with his hips because he knew he couldn't last if he did. When he had finally decided to let himself go was the same moment that Seungcheol decided to come home because he had left his wallet. Jihoon and Joshua both scrambled apart wrapping themselves in sheets while Seungcheol stared open mouthed at the both of them. The shock on his face quickly turned to anger and for the first time ever Seungcheol screamed at Jihoon..calling him that word.  
  
Jihoon doesn't really know what happened after that. Seungcheol ignored him the whole summer and Joshua never responded to any texts or calls. Jihoon spent the whole summer being a punching bag for his father and crying himself to sleep every night wishing he had his best friend back and wishing he had never let Joshua in his heart. He barely ate and started losing weight at an alarming rate. His mother finally forced him into a therapy group. He was never really sure if it was to actually help him or for her to get out of the house. By the time summer was ending Seungcheol had reached out and things went back to somewhat normal. The incident with Joshua always hanging between them but neither wanting to be the one to bring it up.  
  
A soft knock shook Jihoon from his memories. "Hoon, come on..come out." Seungcheol sounded concerned. Jihoon reached up and unlocked the door and scooted away enough for Seungcheol to squeeze through. He shut the door and crouched down to the floor in front of Jihoon.   
  
"I'm sorry. I should have told you he was here. You were just so upset on the phone.." Seungcheol starts to explain but Jihoon waves it off. He looks at his best friend and searches his face for any signs of anger. Wonders if he still thinks he is a faggot. Wonders how it affected his relationship with his brother. He has so many things he wants to ask his best friend but he doesn't have it in him to ask any of them.   
  
"Can we just go game?" Jihoon asks wiping his face with the sleeves of his jacket. Seungcheol smiles weakly and stands up, stopping to help Jihoon on his feet.   
  
They spend the next 3 hours playing league and acting as if nothing that had happened had..just like they did last year. Jihoon glances at his best friend and smiles but can't help but wonder if this is what Soonyoung meant at group..about having friends but not being connected. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone quickly opening a message up to a contact with a tiger emoji. He hesitates and writes out several messages before sending "Hey, its Jihoon. Are you okay?" He immediately regrets sending the message because what a shit message it was. Immediately his phone vibrates.   
  
"I'm fine. Are you, Jihoon? Do you hate me that much that you can't even let me speak?"  
  
Jihoon furrows his brow at this message. Hate? He doesn't hate him. Sure he hasn't been the nicest to him..but hate?   
  
"I don't hate you. You scare me." Jihoon types. He hovers over the send button and finally clicks before he chickens out.   
  
"I scare you? You're the scary one, Jihoon..."   
  
"I'm scared because I want to protect you and I don't even know you. And I already have too many people I need to protect. I can't manage another."   
  
Jihoon places his phone face down on Seungcheol's bed and tries to focus on the game. He can't believe he just opened up to Soonyoung. I mean its not much..but for Jihoon it was a lot.   
  
"And who protects you, Jihoon-ah?"   
  
Jihoon stares at the message for a long time. Not sure how to respond. Although Joshua had soothed him many times, Jihoon had never felt protected. Even though Seungcheol sheltered him when he needed an out..he still didn't feel like he was being protected..at least not in a way that he felt that he was protecting everyone. Protecting Joshua by letting Seungcheol think Jihoon was the driving force behind the affair. Protecting Seungcheol from knowing the truth about Jihoon's sexuality and Seungcheol's faults of being homophobic. Protecting his mom. He had spent the last few others trying to think of a way to protect Soonyoung..from what..he didn't know..but he needed to. But now..here was Soonyoung pointing out that no one was protecting him. Was there ever going to be someone that would save Jihoon? Jihoon cleared his mind of his thoughts and went back to focusing on the game with Seungcheol. Forcing laughter whenever Seungcheol would call an opponent gay and trying not to think about the boy who took advantage of him was sitting in the next room.   
  
Maybe..Soonyoung could save him.


	3. Habit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a long delay in an update.  
> I fell a little out of love with this story and got really wrapped up in my other work What Kind Of Future.  
> I decided to start tying this story up but when writing this next chapter I got really invested again. 
> 
> Thank you for all being patient!  
> I will update regularly from now on!  
> Look for a new update this weekend. College is going to be fun for Jihoon! 
> 
> Also, if you ever have any suggestions or anything like that please feel free to follow me on insta @minjiandmo

Jihoon had been regularly attending his group and was actually starting to enjoy it. Sure everything Jeonghan was saying was still complete bullshit but getting to walk into a room and have Soonyoung smile at him was really the best possible outcome for anything. 

Since Soonyoung sent Jihoon the text about being saved they had texted constantly. He was never really one to text a lot or talk a lot in general but he could spend nights that turned into days on the phone with Soonyoung discussing anime and laughing at Soonyoung singing loudly along to old trot songs. It wasn't always just fun though. A lot of late nights when Jihoon felt his eyes giving away to sleep he would listen to Soonyoung cry and whisper to him that it would be okay. Some nights it was Soonyoung who would reassure Jihoon it would be okay although Jihoon never cried. He knew there was more to the story than Soonyoung had discussed weekly in the group and occasionally on the phone but Soonyoung held back, telling Jihoon that he didn't want him to think differently of him. Jihoon opened up more and more to Soonyoung and even occasionally participated in group..although he would quickly retreat if he noticed Jeonghan smiling about his "growth" just to piss Jeonghan off. Although Soonyoung was openly gay Jihoon still didn't want to come out to him even though he was pretty sure Soonyoung knew. There were just some things he wasn't ready to say, just like Soonyoung. 

"Ji, are we ever going to act like we know each other at school?" Soonyoung hummed into the phone. JIhoon glanced at his clock and scolded himself for being up so late right before an exam.   
"Um. I mean..sure?" Jihoon murmured into the phone trying to situate himself under his covers. "We can..would probably make people ask a lot though."   
"Are you embarrassed about them knowing you go to group with me or that I'm gay?"   
Jihoon sighed because he really didn't want to be having this conversation.   
"It's not that, Soonyoung. I'm not embarrassed of you. I'm embarrassed of myself. There are parts of me I don't want to share with others..especially the ones at school."   
"But these are the best parts." Soonyoung quietly responds. And just like that Jihoon has a smile spread across his face.   
"Well, then just be happy you get them and no one else?" Jihoon asks. "Plus wouldn't your friends be curious about us being friends too?"  
Soonyoung snorts, "No? I don't have friends, Ji. I transferred in the middle of the year and I'm openly gay."   
"You have the theatre group though."  
"I mean..yeah..but like...I don't have friend friends. And I'm more than just the gay theatre kid, Ji."   
"Why did you transfer, Soonyoung?" Jihoon asked. 

He remembers the first day Soonyoung showed up at their school because the WHOLE school was talking about the boy with bright pink hair. Immediately the school was buzzing about the new kid and how gay he was. Jihoon had purposely gone out of his way to catch a glimpse of him because he needed to get his eyes set on him. Try to scope him out. What if this gay kid could like..smell the gay on Jihoon? Is that how that worked? Jihoon knew his thoughts on homosexuality were incredibly dense considering everyone he knew was homophobic but he literally thought there had to be a way of Soonyoung knowing he was gay too just because of that radar stuff they always talk about. 

He had seen Soonyoung at lunch. He was sitting by himself and he looked upset. His face was red and splotchy and his eyes a little swollen. Jihoon didn't know why but he walked over to him. Seungcheol was still in line flirting with the lunch lady trying to get an extra brownie. 

"You okay?" JIhoon asked looking down at the pink-haired boy. Soonyoung had looked up and blinked a few times owlishly at him.   
"Yeah, I just cry for fun," Soonyoung said with a smile. Jihoon laughed..appreciating the other's wit that was very much like his own.   
"Oh, well I can think of worse things you could do for fun I gue--" Jihoon had started when Seungcheol interrupted.   
"Yeah, like fucking boys. Boy's butts." Seungcheol said making a gagging face.   
Soonyoung looked at Seungcheol with disbelief and let out a little laugh.   
"Boy's butts. Okay. That was like the most 5-year-old response ever." Soonyoung said giving Seungcheol a challenging glare.   
"Yahh--I can be meaner if you'd like?" Seungcheol gritted through his teeth. Jihoon started walking away and dragging him with him.   
"Seungcheol let's just go."   
They were almost outside the cafeteria when Jihoon glanced back and met Soonyoung's eyes. Soonyoung had attempted a smile but Jihoon turned away. 

"Because of the boy, Ji." Soonyoung's voice brought back Jihoon to the present time. He wanted to mention that first day but figured it wasn't worth bringing up.   
"So not only did you try to off yourself over him but you also made your family move? Wow, Kwon, you are dramatic." Jihoon playfully responded. When Soonyoung didn't immediately respond Jihoon started second-guessing his joke.   
"Fuck off, Lee. Don't make me knock you around like your father." Soonyoung laughed into the phone. Jihoon relaxed and couldn't help but join Soonyoung in laughing. This was something that probably wasn't healthy in terms of mental health but they both liked to joke around about their issues and they both understood that..something not many others did. Jihoon and Soonyoung chatted for longer until Jihoon drifted off to sleep. He wasn't sure if it was a dream or if Soonyoung had said it but the last thing he remembered was hearing Soonyoung tell Jihoon that he made him feel like it's okay again. 

===========

Jihoon cursed himself at his locker the next morning. He shouldn't have stayed up all night on the phone. He also decided to curse Soonyoung too since technically it was his fault. He was about to fall asleep at his locker when a strong hand grasped his shoulder. 

"Lee! Is scholarly Lee Jihoon falling asleep at school? On an exam day?" Seungcheol chuckled. Jihoon rolled his eyes and pushed Seungcheol back playfully before rubbing any sleep that remained out of his eyes. "I'm beginning to think you must have a girlfriend because you are always on your phone and always busy."   
Jihoon shakes his head and closes his locker, "Now..who would I date?"   
Seungcheol laughed at this and shrugged.   
Just then Soonyoung rounded the corner. He was dressed in tight torn jeans and an even tighter shirt with makeup on his eyes. Jihoon couldn't help but think he was sexy but also saw the look of disgust on Seungcheol's face. Soonyoung saw them and smiled widely at Jihoon. Jihoon didn't mean to but he smiled back.   
"Is that your girlfriend?" Seungcheol teased Jihoon who immediately froze. Soonyoung tensed a bit too while he fished out his books from his locker.   
Jihoon thought and thought of a comeback but he couldn't think of anything. He wanted to protect Soonyoung from negative thoughts from others but he needed to protect Seungcheol from knowing the truth about his best friend. He also wanted to protect himself.   
"That's honestly disgusting, Cheol." Jihoon shuttered and pressed on Seungcheol to start walking to class. Seungcheol started laughing and wrapped his arm around Jihoon as they set off to class. Jihoon didn't need to look back at Soonyoung to know that hurt was written all over his face. 

==============

Days had turned into months and Jihoon was pretty content with his life. Although it felt more like a double life. Like Hannah Montana but like traumatic and gay. 

He spent most days/nights on the phone with Soonyoung and weekends at group. If he wasn't doing any of those things then he was with Seungcheol. Either in his room gaming or out at the latest party that Seungcheol promised would be the party of the year. 

He had arrived late to group but was looking forward to it. He sat in his normal chair and waited for Soonyoung. Minutes passed and Jeonghan began to start when Jihoon reminded him that Soonyoung hadn't arrived yet.   
"Oh, Jihoon, he won't be here today," Jeonghan said without making eye contact. Flipping through his notes and testing a pen out on a corner of a page.   
"Why??" Jihoon asked. Jeonghan looked up surprised and shook his head.   
"He just wasn't feeling up to it."   
Jihoon was bothered through the entire group session. He would get even more bothered when Jeonghan would glance at him with worried eyes. He didn't even make it the full hour before he got up and left. Immediately calling Soonyoung when he stepped outside the building.   
Straight to voicemail.  
He tried calling again.   
Voicemail.  
Jihoon worried. Would he try to kill himself again? There were lots of tasteless jokes made but Jihoon had never really considered Soonyoung getting to that point again but maybe..maybe he would.  
He turned back around and went back into group walking straight up to Jeonghan.   
"I need Soonyoung's address," JIhoon demanded.   
Jeonghan looked at him with wide eyes and scoffed, "Jihoon, I can't just give you someone's private information."   
Jihoon rolled his eyes and snatched the paper from Jeonghan's hands that had member's addresses and took a pic of it with his phone. He threw it down on Jeonghan's lap and walked out the door. 

He ran to Soonyoung's. He hadn't thought about what he would say when he got there so when the front door opened he stood there for a second open-mouthed.   
"Yes?" A short older lady asked. There was no doubt this was Soonyoung's mom because they had the same smile.   
"Um. Soonyoung? I'm here to see Soonyoung." Jihoon sputtered out.   
Soonyoung's mom smiled and let Jihoon in.   
"I didn't know he had made plans with anyone. He doesn't have many visitors." Soonyoung's mom rattled on. Telling Jihoon more information than Soonyoung would probably want him to have. "Are you from school?"   
"We are in group together." Jihoon responds. She nods and leads Jihoon upstairs and points to a door on the left. Jihoon bows and thanks her before she retreats downstairs. 

"Soon?" Jihoon knocks. The door immediately swings open and there is a perfectly normal and perfectly fine looking Soonyoung.   
Jihoon is immediately irritated. He was literally expecting to walk in to find Soonyoung hanging from the ceiling fan but instead here is smiling like the idiot he is.   
"Oh what the fuck, Soonyoung?" Jihoon sighs and pushes Soonyoung. "I thought...I thought you were in trouble or something. And PLEASE wipe that smirk off your face. Whatever you are thinking... it's wrong."   
"Hoonie, were you worrrrrried about me?" Soonyoung teasingly asked. Jihoon snarled a bit at him and pushed past him to sit on his bed. He ignored the way Soonyoung smiled and beamed at Jihoon's concern and glanced around at Soonyoung's room. He wasn't sure what he had expected but this was somehow very much Soonyoung. Shinee posters littered the walls along with polaroids of different things, no people though. His bed was covered in a thick velvet black blanket and an assortment of random tiger plushies laid on top. His desk was messy and covered with candy wrappers and notes sprawled out everywhere. His computer was on and opened to youtube. Across from his bed was mirrored. He chuckled when he saw the wall of mirrors.   
"Are those for like..sex reasons?" Jihoon asked pointing to the mirrors. Soonyoung looked at Jihoon puzzled.   
"Whaa--what? Jihoon you are a fucking pervert. They are for dancing." Soonyoung said striking a pose in front of the mirrors, catching Jihoon's gaze in the reflection. Jihoon couldn't help but redden at the fact that he thought of Soonyoung and sex.   
"Dancing?" Jihoon asked willing his redness to die down.   
"Yeah, I used to be in dance. I haven't found a class here though. It's what I want to do...I want to help choreo idols!" Soonyoung said proudly. Jihoon nods and laughs to himself. What an absolute Soonyoung type of dream.   
"If you dance then I will produce the music for your idols." Jihoon teases. Soonyoung lights up at this.   
"You make music?"   
"Yeah...I mean..no. I don't know. I mess around with SoundCloud and shit. I write a lot. But I don't know if I want to be a singer. I think I would just be happy with writing the stuff." Jihoon shrugs.   
"Can I hear a song?" Soonyoung asks sitting next to Jihoon with pleading eyes.   
"Uh..okay." Jihoon smiles shyly. "Wait..why are you not at group?"   
Soonyoung smiles at pokes Jihoon on the cheek, "Shinee's comeback is at 6...I didn't want to miss it."  
"AHHHH-KWON SOONYOUNG!" Jihoon yelled playfully punching Soonyoung. They both wrestled and laughed for a bit before Jihoon realized he was on top of Soonyoung..on Soonyoung's bed. They both stopped for a bit at stared at each other quietly. This close to Soonyoung he could see tiny imperfections on his face..a scar on his nose. Little details he hadn't noticed. How pouty and pink his lips are. He really was beautiful..even without his makeup.   
"Sorry," Jihoon muttered as he rolled off of Soonyoung and got up to head to his computer. "You wanted to hear a song, right?"   
Soonyoung nodded and sat up following Jihoon with his eyes. The air in the room was tense and Jihoon could feel Soonyoung's gaze burning a hole through him but he focused on signing into his Soundcloud.   
"This one... it's um.. it's called Habit. It's about a boy I used to love." Jihoon said.   
"A boy?" Soonyoung asked. Jihoon tensed. He didn't mean to say that. Jihoon pretended to not hear Soonyoung's question and pressed play. 

When I just think about you  
You who is somewhere laughing  
I feel like I'm losing  
I seem like quite a fool  
I would rather you have a bit more of a harder time  
I would like it if you had a hard time and thought   
of me for a bit   
I also want to act like I'm okay

When the song ended Jihoon realized he had been holding his breath. He turned to face Soonyoung and was immediately wrapped in a hug. His first reaction was to push Soonyoung away but for whatever reason, he didn't. He just fell into Soonyoung. They both fell back into the bed while the song started over. Jihoon started to get up to turn it off but Soonyoung stopped him and they both laid in his bed staring at the ceiling while the song replayed. 

Jihoon glanced over and saw Soonyoung with his eyes closed and quietly humming along with the music. Soonyoung opened his eyes and met Jihoon's. 

"Ji, this..this is so good," Soonyoung whispered out. "It's so beautiful. You are so talented."   
Jihoon smiled but shied away from the praise.   
"It's nothing..just some lines.." Jihoon started.  
"No, Jihoon. This is beautiful. You really should write for idols. This song though...do you still miss him?" Soonyoung turns to face Jihoon. They are both face to face, closer than Jihoon realized. Jihoon thinks for a moment before he finally responds,   
"Not when I'm with you, Soon."   
He forces himself to meet Soonyoung's eyes and at that moment he wants to kiss him. He wants to reach out and feel his fingers wrapped in Soonyoung's. He wants to but he doesn't. Instead, he buries his face into the other's chest and lets Soonyoung trace small circles on his back while humming along to his music. His music sounded so much better coming from Soonyoung's lips. 

=============

Jihoon spent more and more time over at Soonyoung's. They would sit in his room and work on music. Jihoon would show Soonyoung new lyrics he wrote or new melodies he thought of and Soonyoung would show Jihoon a new dance he made that was inspired by Jihoon's words. Jihoon didn't know how he did it but Soonyoung could perfectly capture his music in dance. He loved watching Soonyoung move across his room, hips swaying, arms in the air, and his legs extended. He was beautiful. 

The more he saw Soonyoung dance the more he had to sing about. Actually, anything Soonyoug did Jihoon could sing about. Jihoon for the first time felt happy while writing music. So many of his songs had always been sad and depressing because that's how others had made him feel but with Soonyoung he felt happy...he felt..love. So, that's what he wrote about. He was sure Soonyoung had noticed the change in tone of his music but he was grateful that Soonyoung didn't mention it. 

Today though Jihoon shouldn't have come over. When he walked in..he doesn't even knock anymore. But today he walked in he was immediately greeted by Soonyoung in tears screaming at his mother.

"Mom, how could you even still love him? HOW?" Soonyoung was yelling. His mother was sitting down at the table hands over her face, clearly crying. She looked up at Soonyoung and Jihoon immediately recognized those tired and pained eyes as they were the same ones his mother gave him often. 

"Soonyoung, it's not that simple. He is the love of my life." she started, "I think..sometimes..your personality it's so strong..maybe it confuses others to think that maybe.." Soonyoung interrupted her by slamming his hands on the table loudly. Jihoon jumped along with Mrs. Kwon. 

"MY personality? Me? I DID THIS?" Soonyoung dropped down next to his mother's knees and looked up at her begging her. "Mom. He did this. Not me. I was only six!" His tears had stopped and Jihoon could see the pain in his eyes. He knew he should leave and not hear anymore but he couldn't walk away. He had never seen Soonyoung like this. Even at his breaking point he still looked beautiful Jihoon thought. 

"I know he did it but..but..you were always parading about. I don't know Soonyoung." Mrs. Kwon clasped and unclasped her hands. Trying to choose her words carefully. "He was just confused. He lost his job because of you. I love him and if he comes back of course I will be with him. Who else do I have if I don't have him?"

"Me, Mom. You have me. No matter how I am...I didn't...I didn't cause this." Soonyoung choked out. 

Jihoon knew at that moment he had heard something he wasn't supposed to. He knew he was missing pieces to this fight but he knew that Soonyoung was hurting. A whirlwind of emotions passed through Jihoon's mind. Anger at Soonyoung's father, disgust at Mrs. Kwon, and pain..love..for Soonyoung. 

"Soonyoung, you are too young to understand. You haven't felt love. You have laid yourself out for many men..men you knew better than to interact with older...teachers..who ever. You forced your father out and then forced us out of my hometown because of making your dad lose his job. You just you don't know what it's like to lose the love of your life." 

Jihoon's mouth dropped open at that. Teacher? Jihoon shook that out of his mind and focused on the face of the boy he was falling for. The hurt in his eyes. He didn't even realize he was walking into the kitchen and grabbing Soonyoung by the hand until they had reached Soonyoung's bedroom. 

Jihoon could see the shame on Soonyoung's face but Jihoon didn't give him a moment to explain. He laid Soonyoung down and snuggled up next to him. He held Soonyoung while he cried. He hummed the new song he had been working on..the song he wrote for Soonyoung. He had planned on singing it to him today before he walked in on the scene downstairs. He kissed Soonyoung's hair, his forehead, and each of his fingertips. He hummed the notes softly while running his lips across the tears on Soonyoung's cheeks. He would never let anyone make Soonyoung cry again. 

=================

Jihoon cursed himself for thinking he could stop anyone from hurting Soonyoung. Especially himself. He hadn't ever planned on hurting Soonyoung but here he was..in the middle of the school courtyard in between Soonyoung and Seungcheol and he knew...he knew he was about to hurt the boy that he loved. The boy who tended and nursed his wounds. The boy who knew more about him than anymore. The one who whispered thank-yous into his ears when they lay in bed kissing. The boy who tenderly cupped his cheeks when they made love. The boy who was the reason he was getting wildly popular on Soundcloud. The boy who gave him a reason to carry on. The boy who he was going to absolutely destroy. 

"Jihoon, why are you with this faggot?" Seungcheol yelled at him. Jihoon nervously looked around at the crowd of students that were forming around them. 

Jihoon had gotten bold. Had gotten careless with his love for Soonyoung. He had started sneaking notes in Soonyoung's locker..small slips of papers with sweet lyrics scripted across. He had started meeting the other's eyes in the halls more and giving away smiles not realizing people would start to notice. He had even pushed his luck several times when he would brush his hand against Soonyoung's in the busy hall when they passed. He was in bliss and that bliss blinded him from the fact that Seungcheol was noticing. When he thought Seungcheol was occupied he had quickly pulled Soonyoung into an empty hallway to whisper an I love you. Only Seungcheol wasn't busy. He had been caught. And Jihoon was spiraling. 

"I'm not." Jihoon scoffed at Seungcheol. Quickly glancing to Soonyoung who was now on the ground. Books sprawled across the lawn. Seungcheol had pushed him there. 

"Liar. I see you." Seungcheol yelled walking up to Jihoon. They were so close. Jihoon knew when Seungcheol started chesting up to him that Seungcheol was reaching his breaking point. Seungcheol dropped his voice to a whisper, "If you aren't with this faggot then prove it, Jihoon."   
"Wha--what?" Jihoon stuttered out. Confused by Seungcheol's words. Seungcheol's gaze darkened and he whispered into Jihoon's ear, "Embarrass him. In front of everyone. Prove that you don't have feelings for him."   
Jihoon's breath hitched and he knew right then that he was going to hurt Soonyoung. As much as he loved Soonyoung he knew he wasn't strong enough to take on the school knowing he was gay, Seungcheol being disgusted with him..he knew he had to hurt him. 

Jihoon stepped back from Seungcheol and glanced at the students that had formed around them. Most of them had their phones out recording the exchange..hoping for a fight.   
"Get up!" Jihoon screamed at Soonyoung. Soonyoung looked up surprised and reached out for Jihoon's hand who quickly slapped it away. "I said get up!"   
Soonyoung scrambled to his feet and searched Jihoon's face. This wasn't his Jihoon.   
"Leave me the fuck alone, Kwon Soonyoung. I'm not a faggot like you. I don't fuck my teachers."   
As soon as the words left his mouth he knew...he knew that he would never get to spend another night laughing in Soonyoung's arms. He felt the power of his words..they hurt his own heart. He saw the change in Soonyoung's eyes. He heard the gasps and whispers from the students. He saw the shocked but triumphant look on Seungcheol's face.   
"He FUCKED a teacher? What?" Seungcheol said laughing. Jihoon turned away from Seungcheol and met Soonyoung's gaze. 

"Lee Jihoon. I will never love you ever again. You are the most..unlovable person. You aren't even a person. You will be alone as long as you continue to lie to everyone..including yourself." Soonyoung blankly states. He doesn't yell it for everyone to hear. He says it just loud enough for Jihoon to hear. Jihoon wills the tears in his eyes to stay back and swallows back a sob as he watches the boy he love walk away. 

========================

Weeks passed and soon the school was over the scandal. There were a lot of talks when Soonyoung didn't show up for a few days..but by the next few weeks of him not showing up people just moved on from the gossip. Everyone accepting the fact that Soonyoung had runoff. 

Jihoon checked his phone. Hovered over Soonyoung's name. Wrote message after message but deleted them all. What could he even say? Jihoon hated himself. 

Jihoon had stopped going to therapy but his dad was being especially asshole-ish so he needed the escape. He didn't think he would see Soonyoung when he walked in. But there he was standing and talking with Jeonghan..and Joshua. 

"Shua?" Jihoon asked walking up to them. Soonyoung stared at him blankly and Jeonghan smiled but also looked worried. 

"Hoonie! What! What are you doing here?" Joshua beamed pulling Jihoon in for a hug.   
"Why..why are you here, Hyung?" Jihoon asked.   
"Oh, well...Jeonghan..um..he's my boyfriend." Joshua smiled weakly.   
Jihoon glared at Jeonghan. Realizing now why Jeonghan always gave extra attention to Jihoon. Why he was always more careful with him than the others.   
"Jihoon, I'm glad...I'm glad you're here. I wasn't sure if you would come back. Um...Soonyoung was here saying goodbye." Jeonghan motioned to where Soonyoung stood quietly watching.   
Jihoon felt his face grow hot. He felt fucked.   
"Did..did you know?" Jihoon asked Jeonghan. Jeonghan didn't have to answer because the guilty look on his face was apparent.   
"Ohh..oh wow. This must suck for you, Jihoon." Soonyoung flatly addressed him. "Is this...Habit boy?"   
"Habit boy?" Joshua asked looking at Soonyoung.   
Soonyoung shrugged and turned to Jihoon.   
"Goodbye, Jihoon."  
Jihoon watched Soonyoung walk away from him again through a clouded gaze that filled with tears.   
"Fuck the both of you," Jihoon said to Jeonghan and Joshua before heading out the door. He rushed out into the night hoping Soonyoung would still be outside. He knew it was selfish but this was fucked and he needed Soonyoung. Soonyoung was the only one who knew how he felt, how this was devastating..but he wasn't anywhere. Jihoon circled the building more franticly by the minute. Searching for Soonyoung.   
He finally fell to his knees because he felt like he was going to pass out. He grasped his chest and started freaking out. He couldn't breathe. 

"Jihoon, hey, breathe." Jeonghan's voice came through to him. He opened his eyes and Jeonghan was crouched down next to him. He looked and saw Joshua behind him on his phone with what he assumed was a hospital. "You had a panic attack. You're okay now. It's going to be okay." 

"Soonyoung?" Jihoon asked through stuttered breathing and tears. "I need Soonyoung."   
Jeonghan looked at him with pity and did his best to reassure him. 

===============

Not only was Jihoon a closeted gay. An abused teenager. He was now also prone to panic attacks. He was really kicking this whole fucked up teenager vibe out of the park. Since his panic attack, he had attended a therapist three times a day and been advised to take a few different pills. He successfully moved out of his home by selling a song of his and spent his days and nights working on applications for a school far away from his hometown. He kept all thoughts of Soonyoung pushed back and buried deep inside the corner of his mind. 

He cut off all communication with Seungcheol even at the begging of Joshua not to. He knew Seungcheol wasn't to blame for things that he did but he hated who he was when he was around him. That exchange didn't go well. 

"Jihoon, you can't be serious. We have been friends for..forever!" Seungcheol yelled in his face. Joshua and Jeonghan trying to push between the both of them.   
"Yeah, so you'd think you wouldn't be a piece of shit!" Jihoon shouted back. "I'm so tired of being whatever it is that you want me to be. You want me to play basketball? I play. You want me to dress in whatever label you say is cool? I dress in it. You want me to be straight? I act straight. But I'm not, Seungcheol! I'm gay. I'm so fucking gay. I fucked your brother and I fucked Soonyoung so many times."   
Jeonghan's eyebrows raised and held back a laugh when he saw the look of pure horror on his partner's face.   
"Okay, okay, let's not..we don't have to bring that up," Joshua begged.   
"Why do you even care, Cheol? Why? I'm a faggot. Just wash your hands clean of me. I'm everything you hate." Jihoon spat out at his best friend.   
"Jihoon, I don't...I don't hate you. I don't understand you!" Seungcheol yelled voice breaking. Tears streaming down his face.   
"I don't care. You never even tried. This can't be fixed. But fix your shit with your brother. Grow the fuck up." Jihoon had responded before walking out Seungcheol's door for the last time. 

"Jihoon, wait!" Jeonghan called out to him. Jihoon sighed and turned around to face him. Even though he was mad for Jeonghan withholding information he didn't hate him.   
"What, Hyung?" Jihoon asked exhausted from his blow-up with Cheol.   
"I just...I just want to make sure you are going to be okay?" Jeonghan sighed smiling weakly at the younger.   
"Yes, I'll be okay. I start school..far from here..in a couple of weeks. I can leave all this and start over." Jihoon assured.   
"Do you promise?" Jeonghan asked him.   
"Promise what?"  
"That you will leave this all?"  
"Yeah, I do, Hyung."  
"Please, let this go and just live comfortably. You deserve it."   
Jihoon let Jeonghan hug him before he walked home feeling slightly lighter than before. 

  
============================

4 weeks later and Jihoon was struggling with getting his last box into his dorm room while trying to get his keys out.   
"Here." A deep voice called to him. A tall boy with glasses and messy dark hair opened the door for him. "I'm Wonwoo, your new roommate."   
Jihoon smiled at him and placed his box on his bed.   
"Lee Jihoon." Wonwoo nodded and went to his side of the dorm to dig through some boxes. 

"WONUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" a voice called. Wonwoo and Jihoon both turned around to find a tall and smiley boy leaning against the door frame. "Buy me a coffee?" He says with honey dripped eyes. 

Jihoon looks to Wonwoo and smiles at Wonwoo's annoyed expression. 

"Kim Mingyu, you are unbearable." He says while walking over to the taller one. He then reaches out and pulls him in for a kiss. Jihoon's eyes widen at seeing such an open expression of affection between two boys and nervously starts to rummage through his boxes. "Oh, Gyu, this is Jihoon." 

"Hi!" Mingyu chips holding his hand out to Jihoon. "Please take care of my boyfriend. Make sure he doesn't sleep through any of his alarms."   
"Me? Sleep through my alarms? If anyone is doing that it's you." Wonwoo laughs pushing his boyfriend playfully.  
"Uh, hi, it's nice to meet you." Jihoon smiles at them both, slightly awkward. The other two glance at each other and laugh a bit at his awkwardness.   
"We are going to get some coffee with my roommate. Do you want to join?" Mingyu asks.   
Jihoon politely refuses, gesturing to all his boxes using needing to unpack as an excuse. 

"What are you majoring in?" Mingyu asks while his boyfriend searches for a shirt. "Wonu is majoring in lit and I'm studying culinary arts."   
Jihoon nods and folds some of his clothes to put away and answers politely, "I'm studying music. Music production."   
"Ahh, that's so cool, Hyung. You'll be in the same program as my roommate."   
"Oh, that's cool..does he write music too?" Jihoon asked glancing towards the couple. Mingyu is chatting with Jihoon but also helping his boyfriend adjusted his wild messy hair. Jihoon can't help but feel a pang of jealousy.   
"No, he doesn't write music but the music program is part of the dance program. He does choreo." Jihoon nods and continues back to unpacking his things.   
"His name is Hoshi. If you see him let him know you are Wonu's new roommate! He is popular and all the teachers love him. You'll definitely run into him." Mingyu said with a wink and a wave while walking out hand in hand with his roommate. 

"Ugh, why do I feel like this year is going to be crazier than the last?" Jihoon mutters to himself. 


	4. Us, Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha. Remember that one time I completely neglected this fic? And now I'm updating in less than 24 hours?  
> Here's another chapter.   
> Chapter 5 tomorrow because now I'm on a roll.
> 
> AND the outfit that Soonyoung is wearing at dinner is an outfit that absolutely SENT my soul to heaven.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mxh3IFRf6nQ&ab_channel=pentagram615
> 
> ALSO I promise my next fic will be more fluff and not so much angst.   
> I only know angst though-lol.

Jihoon had adjusted well to college life. Although he wasn't living it up as he had expected, he was doing much better on his own than when he was in high school. He had always thought of himself as a loner even though he followed Seungcheol around. College wasn't much different..he was still feeling like a loner but this time he didn't have anyone to follow around. 

His roommate Wonwoo was nice enough. He would invite Jihoon out with him and his boyfriend, Mingyu, often. Jihoon didn't dislike Wonwoo or even Mingyu but he just wasn't sure how to be friends with anyone. The last time he made a real connection was with Soonyoung and he ruined that pretty quickly and monumentally. 

Classes were fine. He enjoyed them. He immersed himself in Music Theory and spent a lot of his free time renting out one of the music studios to work on his music. He decided to put down a pretty hefty payment on a studio for a few months that way he could hide up in there for as long as he wanted without having to worry about other students wanting a turn. 

The music program was very big and the building housed more kids than it probably should have. Jihoon didn't mind though but sometimes he felt like he was drowning in the sea of students. His teachers liked him and a few classmates occasionally would praise him on projects he had showcased. He wasn't near the dance studio and he was thankful for that. Even though he knew Soonyoung wasn't there he felt a pang of hurt knowing there was a classroom full of students dancing..doing what Soonyoung wanted to do. He often would wonder where Soonyoung was now if he was okay...if he was alive? That thought always scared Jihoon and it seemed to haunt him the most at night. 

He would wake up in the middle of the night in a deep sweat not able to breathe. Panic attacks. He would wake up and immediately reach for his phone to pull up social media and search Kwon Soonyoung. He would never find anything. He would then do a Naver search for any articles about any teen deaths. Nothing ever popped up. As far as Jihoon knew, Soonyoung had just vanished. 

One particular night his dreams were too much. He woke up to Wonwoo shaking him, speaking softly that it was alright. Jihoon popped up and rubbed his eyes. He didn't want to meet Wonwoo's gaze but eventually did. He was scared of what he would see when he looked into his eyes but Jihoon was surprised to see Wonwoo looked at him with concern but also..understanding? 

"Jihoon, are you alright?" Wonwoo asked softly pushing back the damp hair from Jihoon's eyes.   
"I'm okay. Thank you." Jihoon whispered.   
"You have nightmares a lot. Do you want to talk about it?" Wonwoo asked. This surprised Jihoon. How often had he woken Wonwoo up with his nightmares?   
"Oh, I'm sorry. No, I don't. Not right now. I'm sorry.." Jihoon started but Wonwoo quickly interrupted him.   
"Jihoon, it's okay. I have panic attacks too. I don't sleep well actually because my panic gives me insomnia."   
Jihoon nodded his head and sighed with relief.   
"Thanks, I...I haven't told anyone about my panic attacks. I don't have them as much anymore..at least while I'm awake. You have them too?"  
"Yeah, I've had them since middle school. I was teased pretty relentlessly in middle school. I was always the quiet one and a lot of rumors swirled around me when I refused to date any girls. People were able to put it together. It didn't bother me until I was jumped one night." Wonwoo sighed. "That's the night I met Mingyu. He saved me. He is just a big puppy but if you cross him..he is pretty scary." Wonwoo chuckled softly.  
"That's awesome. He seems like a great guy." Jihoon smiled.   
"Yeah, I owe him a lot. He helped me be okay with being open about my sexuality and kind of finding myself. I'm still pretty quiet and introverted but when I'm around my friends I'm a lot more open than I would have been in the past."   
Jihoon nodded and wondered what that was like. He saw the similarities between himself and Wonwoo and wondered if he was ruining a real friendship by always being so standoff-ish.   
"Do you have anyone? From home maybe?" Wonwoo asked.   
"I did. Not anymore. I..I started having panic attacks when I hurt him." Jihoon started but stopped when he realized he had said "him". Wonwoo caught his gaze and laid a hand on his reassuring him it was okay. "Soonyoung. He was the love of my life. I wasn't okay with..with being the way that I was..am. So, I hurt him to hide from that."   
"We all do dumb shit when we are growing up, Jihoon. Especially when we are lost. You're not that person anymore..well you don't have to be. Give yourself a break, Ji. It'll help with the dreams." Wonwoo smiled while getting up to cross over to his bed. He picked up his book and laid down to start reading.   
"Can I..can I hang out with you tomorrow?" Jihoon asked softly. He was scared of Wonwoo's reaction but felt at ease when he saw the big smile that spread across his face. 

=================

Things were better. Jihoon started having fewer nightmares and started having a lot more fun. Although he still busied himself in the studio he also went to study sessions with Wonwoo where Mingyu sometimes accompanied. Wonwoo and he would play video games into the early morning when they both struggled with sleep and some nights they just settled in with each other quietly, appreciating the silence between each other while Wonwoo read and Jihoon wrote lyrics. 

Jihoon started working out a lot too. It wasn't something Wonwoo enjoyed but Mingyu talked both of them into it. He actually met another student at the gym, Vernon, who would often visit him in the studio to rap on some of Jihoon's tracks. 

Jihoon wasn't used to making friends but he found it easy and he quickly fell into a nice routine with his small group. That was until he agreed to get bbq with Wonwoo and Mingyu one night. It had been an especially grueling week and all three students were exhausted from the load of schoolwork. Mingyu had called an emergency meat party and invited his closest friends. Jihoon had reached out to Vernon but he was on a date so he was a little bummed he wouldn't have more people there he knew but Wonwoo assured him that he would get along well with Mingyu's group of friends. 

He had heard about the three of them for weeks. He would often hear Mingyu on the phone with one and there was just always chaotic laughter. Jihoon wasn't much for loudness but he found it coming from Mingyu kind of endearing. Mingyu had told him all about his roommate Hoshi and how he was going to be a star choreographer one day. He talked about how funny he was and how absolutely stunning he was because he was always doing fun things to his hair. Jihoon remembered finding that funny because that definitely seemed like the protocol for a dance student-Soonyoung was a lot like that too. Mingyu also talked a lot about his friend Seokmin who was attached to Hoshi's hip. He said they weren't dating but he wasn't so sure. Seokmin was a music major just like Jihoon and Jihoon quickly realized that he had seen him in a few classes. He was quiet during lessons but his laugh could quickly fill up the room. The last friend Mingyu talked about was Seungkwan. He was always bitching about Seungkwan. They seemed to bicker like a married couple. They would argue about parties, clothes, and everything in between but he adored him. He said he was a liberal arts major and supposedly a karaoke master. 

Even though Jihoon had never met them he was confident that he would hit it off with them because he felt like he already knew them with the way Mingyu fussed about them. Wonwoo seemed to enjoy their company too so that was comforting to Jihoon. 

Jihoon was running late to the get-together because he had stayed a little too long in the studio. He ran by his dorm to change because he didn't want to meet the new friends wearing an oversized shirt and shorts with slides. He dug through his closet looking for something normal. He pulled out some black torn jeans and when he did a box tipped over. Polaroids spilled out and it made Jihoon catch his breath when he saw the face in the photos. He kneeled and scooped up the photos. He thumbed through a few. There was one of Soonyoung laying in the grass smiling so big that his eyes had completely disappeared. There was one of Soonyoung laying his head on Jihoon's shoulder with a smile and Jihoon glancing up from his phone with an irritated look. That was always Soonyoung's favorite photo. Jihoon had to put the photos away because he was starting to feel sick. He didn't place them back in the box though. He laid them on his computer desk..he needed these for his studio. They were just the inspiration he needed. 

He slid into his black jeans and then picked through until he found a white button-up shirt. It was fitted and Jihoon had to admit he looked good in tight-fitting clothes. They weren't something he wore often. He adjusted his hair a bit which had greatly changed from high school. He had given himself a pretty dramatic undercut and died his hair red-Soonyoung had always said it would look good on him and..it did. He finished getting ready and gave a quick text to Wonwoo letting him know he would be there soon before walking out of his dorm. 

The air was starting to cool outside and he felt really good walking to the restaurant. He couldn't help but smile. Things were looking up for him. He opened the door and scanned the restaurant for his crew. That's when he heard it. 

"Seokmin! What the fuck!" a familiar voice yelled out. Jihoon immediately felt his face drain of all color. There was no way. He walked towards the noise and meet Wonwoo's gaze. Wonwoo smiled and waved at him. Jihoon walked slowly towards the table getting more nervous. He couldn't see the boy that was talking because his back was towards him but he took note of his jet black hair and hands that moved wildly while he talked. 

He had almost convinced himself that there was no way it was Soonyoung when the boy turned around in his seat to see who Wonwoo was waving over. Soonyoung. He was smiling when he turned to look but as soon as his eyes met Jihoon's his smile completely went away. Jihoon couldn't move. He knew he had to look dumb. Standing there staring at Soonyoung with his jaw slack. Soonyoung held his gaze and it was a cold stare. It made Jihoon shiver a bit. Soonyoung was the one to break the stare and he simply turned back to his plate. 

"Jihoon, come sit here!" Mingyu called pointing to an empty spot by Wonwoo. Jihoon nodded and took a deep breath and walked over and took his seat. He was nervous but he glanced around at the people at the table and couldn't help but look at Soonyoung, who was very much avoiding looking at him. "This is Jihoon! He is Wonwoo's roommate. This is Seokmin!"

Seokmin looked up at him and gave him the biggest smile.   
"Hi! I think we are in music theory together right?" Seokmin asked while piling Jihoon's plate with meat from the grill.   
"Yeah, we are. Thank you." Jihoon forced a smile and tried to keep focused on Seokmin. 

"Hey, are you okay?" Wonwoo whispered to him. "Do you need to go outside?"   
Jihoon shook his head. He could do this. 

"This is Seungkwan!" Mingyu yelled with a mouth full of meat gesturing over to a boy in a big pink sweater.   
"Mingyu, GROSS. Don't talk with your mouth full." Seungkwan curled his lips in disgust at Mingyu. "Hi, Jihoon. It's nice to meet you!" Jihoon smiled at him and nodded his head. 

"And I'm Hoshi," Soonyoung said looking straight into Jihoon's soul with a smirk on his face.   
"Oh, um..yes..okay." Jihoon stuttered. He knew everyone at the table must think he is weird. There was no way that this awkward tension wasn't noticable.  
"Oh, Hyung, I think you have dazzled him. I told you not to wear such a showy outfit out to get meat." Seungkwan yelled down at Soonyoung.   
Soonyoung smiled and shrugged picking at the food on his plate.   
Jihoon did a more thorough look at Soonyoung. His face was the same although it had slimmed out and his jaw was much more chiseled than he remembered. He still wore makeup and now he wore his hair pushed back off his forehead. It was striking. Jihoon scanned over Soonyoung's shoulders now broader and down his toned arms. He was wearing a sleeveless black torn shirt that was tucked into red and black striped pants. Jihoon couldn't believe that Soonyoung somehow got more attractive. 

Jihoon quickly realized that Soonyoung was fully aware that Jihoon was checking him out. Jihoon nervously ran his fingers through his hair and willed himself to act normal. 

"So, Hyung, what kind of music do you write?" Seungkwan asked Jihoon.   
"Oh..um...I don't know. Pop maybe?" Jihoon shrugged placing some rice into his mouth.   
"I would have taken you for a ballad guy," Soonyoung stated while chewing his food never breaking his gaze off of Jihoon.   
"Um..okay. Thanks for being creepy as usual, Hosh." Wonwoo nervously laughed. Jihoon could see how confused Wonwoo was by the sudden stiffness from Jihoon and the out of character snark from Soonyoung.   
Soonyoung shrugged and turned to Seokmin.  
"Will you give me a ride home tonight, babe?" Soonyoung pulled on Seokmin's shoulder.   
Seokmin giggled and agreed while Seungkwan and Mingyu both made faces at Soonyoung using the term baby.   
Jihoon just kept telling himself to focus on his rice. Focus. On. Your. Rice.   
He was about to but about choked on said rice when he saw Soonyoung lean over and run his lips down the side of Seokmin's neck. He starts coughing and Wonwoo looked at him alarmed and started pounding on his back. 

This was embarrassing. He had to get out of there. It wasn't the rice that was making him choke. He could feel his chest swelling. He knew he had to get out before his panic attack fully started. He abruptly stood up almost knocking over his drink. Everyone at the table looked up at him and Wonwoo was reaching for him. He apologized and started heading to the door. 

Once he got outside he realized he was sweating. He sat down on the sidewalk and pressed his back against the wall. He kept trying to count to ten like his therapist recommended but fuck that guy because this was not working. He ran his fingers through his hair and considered just ripping it out because he honestly felt like he was losing his shit. 

"Ji, hey, are you okay? I'm sorry...Hoshi isn't usually that forward." Wonwoo stated while sitting down next to Jihoon. He sighed and wrapped an arm around him pulling the younger towards him. Jihoon wasn't usually one for skinship but he was really thankful for Wonwoo, he was keeping him grounded. 

Jihoon focused on his breathing when the group he dined with all scattered outside. Seungkwan looked at him worried and Jihoon managed to flash him a small smile letting him know he was okay.

"Hyung, I'm so sorry about your anxiety. If we were too loud. I'm so sorry." Seungkwan leaned down to tell Jihoon.   
"I'm okay, thank you. You guys were great. It was me." Jihoon stated catching Soonyoung's gaze.   
Seungkwan apologized three more times before putting his number into Jihoon's phone. He promised to take him for coffee sometime.   
Mingyu stood with Soonyoung and Seokmin and looked like he was bitching at Soonyoung.   
"I didn't even do anything." Soonyoung bit. Mingyu was clearly frustrated and just looked to Wonwoo for help. 

Jihoon stood up and shook his head.   
"He didn't do anything. It's me. I'm just...I'm not feeling well. I stayed up too late I think or something.." Jihoon muttered shoving his hands into his pockets.   
Wonwoo stood up next to him and shrugged at Mingyu who was now coming to his side. 

Seokmin said goodbye to Jihoon and promised to chat about music in class tomorrow. Jihoon once again forced another smile. He was so mad at himself. These were good people. He wanted to be their friend but there was no way they were going to want to be his when they find out what he did to Soonyoung. 

Seokmin pulled on Soonyoung's hand and Soonyoung dropped it to walk over to Jihoon. Jihoon held his breath.   
"Red looks good, Ji." Soonyoung breathed into his ear before accepting Seokmin's hand again and walking off. 

"I'm gonna fucking puke," Jihoon said. Wonwoo wide-eyed at Mingyu who rushed to get Jihoon some water. 

And he did. He puked all over the sidewalk while his ex-boyfriend glanced back holding another boy's hand. 

===========================

It had been a few days and luckily Wonwoo didn't really press the issue on what happened. Jihoon knew he wanted to ask but was thankful that he didn't. Jihoon was still shaken from coming face to face with Soonyoung again but for the most part, his routine continued as normal. 

He still spent nights with Wonwoo playing video games. He still worked out with Vernon. He still spent most of his time in the studio but was thankful for Seungkwan who would come by occasionally to drop off a coffee. Seungkwan seemed to know something but he didn't let Jihoon in on whatever it was. Jihoon could just tell by the sadness in Seungkwan's eyes that maybe he did know who Jihoon really was. 

"Kwannie, you didn't have to bring me another." Jihoon reached out to place his hand on Seungkwan's shoulder.   
"I know, Hyung." Seungkwan smiled while seating himself on the couch. Sometimes Seungkwan would stay even after dropping off the coffee. Most times he wouldn't talk he would just browse Grindr while Jihoon worked. Today though he seemed like he wanted to talk.   
"Do you know, Hoshi?" Seungkwan asked hurriedly.   
Jihoon sighed and rested his forehead against his desk. He did not want to have this conversation.   
"Why do you ask?"   
"I don't know..that night when you met him you looked like you had seen a ghost." Seungkwan chose his words carefully. "Also, you have like 4 photos of him on your desk." Seungkwan stated matter-of-factly.   
Jihoon widened his eyes. He forgot he had placed them up for inspiration and he forgot that Seungkwan could easily see them. Jihoon really was a dumbass.   
"Ah...yes, I mean no. I don't know Hoshi. I know Soonyoung." Jihoon stated.   
Seungkwan sits quietly looking over at the polaroids on Jihoon's desk.   
"Did you love him?"   
"I didn't. I do." Jihoon breathed out. "Look at my song files..they are all for him."   
"So, you're the boy that hurt him?" Seungkwan asked.   
Jihoon nodded and opened up a file on his computer. He glanced at Seungkwan who was watching him closely and decided what the hell. He pressed play.

_We changed and we wanted more_   
_I hurt you with words that weren't what I meant_   
_Even as I need you every day_   
_I push you away_   
_Knowing I'm going to regret it_

Seungkwan wipes away at his eyes when the song finishes.   
"Oh, Hyung you should play this for him." Seungkwan whines.   
Jihoon smiles and shakes his head.   
"I don't think he would want to hear anything from me, Kwannie. Plus I doubt Seokmin would appreciate it."   
"What? What does Seokmin have-" Seungkwan was interrupted by his phone going off. He nervously looked at Jihoon and Jihoon quickly realizes it must be Soonyoung calling.   
He nods at Seungkwan and turns back to his computer, placing headphones on his head. 

"Hoshi-Hyung," Seungkwan whispers into his phone. Jihoon can't help but laugh at Seungkwan attempting to be secretive. "Oh, I'm..I'm at uh. Aish..yes, okay I'm leaving."  
He waves at Jihoon before slipping out the door.   
Jihoon closes his eyes and listens to his music. The lyrics haven't been what he wanted.   
He wanted to write about that day..and has been trying to for months..but he can't. He has gotten a few bits but they only show the yearning he has for Soonyoung they don't show how he hurt him. He knows he needs to write the truth but he still doesn't like remembering what he did.   
He pulls his headphones off and picks up his phone. He scrolls down to Mingyu's social media and clicks his followers scrolling until his thumb hovers over a screen name: Hoshi_ksy  
He clicks it and thumbs through Soonyoung's posts. Most of them are pictures of him in what Jihoon assumes is the dance studio. There are a few videos of him with his dance crew. An occasional sultry selfie that Jihoon shamelessly saves to his phone. He goes through months of photos not recognizing the boy he sees. Was it his fault Soonyoung was no longer Soonyoung but this...Hoshi? He scrolled to the end and that's when he sees it. He recognizes the photo. It's the same one hanging on his desk. The caption simply says.   
"Where do I go now?" 

Jihoon feels his eyes filling with tears that he quickly holds back as usual and he isn't sure why but he comments,   
"Where did you go?" 

He stares at his comment for a long time and finally closes out of the app leaning back in his chair and hands to his face. He needed sleep. 

He packed up his bag and turned off the lights before leaving. He strolled down the hallway that was mostly empty now because of the time. He came across the hallway that leads to the dance studios and decided he was already fucked in life so why not go look. 

He could hear music coming down the hall and he walked towards it. He knew it was Soonyoung. It was his song anyway. The one he wrote and sold. The one he wrote for Soonyoung. 

_Until the day we sing together_   
_My road towards you will never end_   
_Every reason and path_   
_It's beautiful because of you_   
_If we pass the turning point at the end of the road_   
_I will protect you_   
_So you won't be worn out anymore_   
_Whatever happens to us_   
_Let's meet again._

Jihoon glanced in the window of the door and there he was. Moving his body and gripping his chest. His face was red and wet from tears and sweat. Jihoon wanted so badly to open the door and grab him and just hold him. But he knew that was selfish. 

Jihoon sat himself down at the bottom of the door. Leaning his head back listening to his song and the sound of Soonyoung's movements. He finally lets himself cry. After a year and months of holding it back..he lets it go finally when he hears the music stop and the only sound left is the sound of Soonyoung's sobs.


	5. Into You

"Hey, kid. Get up. You can't sleep here." Jihoon was shaken awake. He squinted up at an older man he didn't recognize. Where was he? He pressed up on his elbows and looked around. He had fallen asleep outside the dance studio room. His eyes widened when he realized he was covered in a jacket that wasn't his. He jumped to his feet and peaked into the window of the dance room and looked in horror at the fact that it was empty, lights off. He turned back to the janitor that was watching him and apologized several times before scurrying off. 

Once outside the music program building, he checked his phone. 3:20 am. Shit. He had a class in just a few hours. He looked at the jacket in his hand. He immediately recognized it. It was hanging on the back of Soonyoung's chair the night he saw him at dinner. He ran his fingers over the fur and couldn't help but roll his eyes at how extra the jacket was. Tiger stripes and all. He smiled and wrapped himself up in it to head back to his dorm. 

He managed to sneak in without waking up Wonwoo. He slipped out of the jacket and laid in carefully on the end of his bed. He didn't bother changing out of his clothes and jumped under his covers reaching over to grab his phone charger to plug in his phone. When he connected his phone he realized he had a message. He didn't recognize the number so he didn't bother opening it and just decided to set his alarm and try to squeeze in a few hours of sleep before class.

=======

Jihoon did get some sleep before class and that's only because he completely slept through his alarm. When he woke up and realized that it was past noon he panicked. He still had time to make it to his last class. He rushed around the room grabbing his books and throwing on a jacket before running out his door. 

He slid into his Music Theory class without his teacher knowing but caught the attention of Seokmin who looked at him slightly puzzled and then smiled. Jihoon thought it was weird but dismissed it and focused on taking his notes. 

By the time class was over he was starving and decided to head to the cafeteria to grab a few snacks. 

"Hyung!" He heard Mingyu shout as soon as he walked into the cafeteria. He smiled at the younger and gave him a quick wave before swiftly moving through the line grabbing a few snacks and an energy drink. He made his way over to where Mingyu was sitting with Seungkwan. When he sat down he started digging into his sandwich but stopped when he realized they were both staring at him with wide eyes. What was with everyone today? Did he look that much like shit? 

"Okay..what?" Jihoon said with a full mouth.   
"Hyung..why are you wearing Hoshi's jacket?" Mingyu asked holding back a smile. Seungkwan raised his eyebrows and wasn't able to keep his smile as under control as the other.   
Jihoon knew his eyes had completely bugged out of his head as he reached down and felt the jacket he was wearing. He groaned and dropped his head to the table.   
"Oh fuck." He mumbled realizing he must have grabbed the jacket while he was in a hurry this morning. This was embarrassing and weird.   
"I..please just don't ask. I don't have an answer and I'd rather not die completely of embarrassment." Jihoon pleaded with the boys.   
  
"Well, I hate to tell you but Hoshi is staring at you." Boo giggled before taking a sip of his drink and making eyes at Mingyu.   
Jihoon tensed and turned slightly to look behind him. He immediately caught Soonyoung's eyes. He was sitting a few tables back with Seokmin. Seokmin was busy writing notes so hadn't noticed but Hoshi was staring right at him with eyebrows raised.  
"Hyung, if this is some weird sexual power move...I don't want to see it." Mingyu let out a laugh. JIhoon turned and glared at Mingyu who immediately raised his hands in defense. Jihoon quickly peeled off the jacket and stood up giving the two boys one more final glare before walking towards Soonyoung.   
  
Soonyoung seemed surprised to see Jihoon heading towards him but he held his gaze strongly and crossed his arms across his chest.   
  
"Here. Thanks." Jihoon said holding out the jacket for Soonyoung to take. Seokmin looked up and kept changing from looking at Jihoon to Soonyoung and then back again.   
Soonyoung stalled before finally taking ahold of the jacket..his fingers running across Jihoon's. Jihoon was sure that his soul had left his body but he tried his best to look unaffected by the other's touch.   
Soonyoung's eyes softened for the first time looking at him but quickly turned cold again.   
"Sure, Ji. Anything for a new friend." Soonyoung smiled but it didn't reach his eyes.   
  
"Can we talk?" Jihoon managed to stutter out looking nervously around.   
"Sure. What's up?" Soonyoung responded reaching to wrap his arm through Seokmin's and resting his head on his shoulder. Seokmin raised his eyebrows at Soonyoung but tried to look focused on his notes instead of the weird tension that was laid out in front of him.   
"Um..alone?" Jihoon stressed.   
"Sorry, I can't right now. We were just about to leave." Soonyoung tugged on Seokmin to get up with him. "Maybe some other time." 

Soonyoung drug Seokmin off and Jihoon stood there watching them walk off with his mouth opened. He ran his hands over his face and turned to leave but caught Seungkwan and Mingyu watching him. He smiled weakly at them before turning to leave. 

====================

Jihoon spent the weekend in his dorm. Wonwoo and Mingyu both begged him to go out but he was not in the mood. Seungkwan called a few times but he kept his phone on silent. He decided to give up on school work and decided to do something else. He opened his texts to reach out to Vernon to go work out when he noticed the message from the unknown number. He had totally forgotten about it and opened it. 

**hoshimoshi** : sleep well, Ji.  
  
Jihoon felt his heart jump because he knew who the message was from. He hovered over the number and held it until it asked to add a new contact. He typed in Soonie and stared at the message. 

**uji** : Soonyoung?  
  
He sat and stared at the message willing it for a response. He gave up and put his phone down and laid on his bed. He checked one more time but nothing. Jihoon checked all night. Almost every thirty minutes but no message ever came through. 

He was about to give up and just go to bed whenever his phone finally went off. 

**hoshimoshi** : Yeah. Its me.

He bit his fingernail trying to decide what he should say. 

**uji** : Your hot and cold moods are confusing as hell, Soon.  
  
 **hoshimoshi** : That's rich as hell coming from you, Jihoon.  
  
Jihoon sighed. 

**uji** : Can we talk? Please?  
  
 **hoshimoshi** : I'm free right now.  
  
Jihoon widened his eyes. He glanced at the time at it was bordering midnight. He quickly threw on a clean sweatshirt and some joggers along with his favorite ball cap.   
  
**uji** : Where?  
  
 **hoshimoshi** : Meet me in the courtyard.

Jihoon tried to walk slowly because he didn't want to look desperate but his steps gained speed with each step. He got to the place they decided on and waited. He waited for a while and started wondering if Soonyoung had just stood him up. He was about to give up and head back when he saw a tall figure step forward. 

Soonyoung looked much like he used to. He wasn't dressed up as much as he has been since he has seen him here. He was just in some sweats and a long sleeve tee. He also had a hat on but it was backward and his hair underneath stuck out in a few spots under the rim of the hat. He had no makeup on and he looked tired. Jihoon couldn't help but think Soonyoung looked the prettiest like this. 

Soonyoung didn't say anything as he walked over and sat next to Jihoon in the grass. They sat there quietly looking everywhere but at each other. 

"Ji, I'm mad at you. I'm hurt. But I can't do these games and act as I hate you. I don't. It's just not who I am as a person." Soonyoung sighed pulling at a few blades of grass.   
Jihoon nodded and thought through everything he wanted to say. 

"Please..don't apologize or give me whatever reasons you had for doing what you did. I don't want to hear it. I already know the answers. And they don't change anything."   
Jihoon sighed and turned to face Soonyoung. 

  
"Then what should I say?" He asked. He so badly wanted to reach out and touch Soonyoung's hand.   
"There is nothing to say." Soonyoung looked at him. "I used to think hours about all the things I would say to you if I saw you again. All the things that I wanted to hear from you. But now..here you are and none of it matters. None of it would fix anything."   
Jihoon shook his head. 

  
"I've thought about those things too, you know?" Jihoon laid back in the grass and looked up at the sky.   
"I know. I've heard a few of your songs." Soonyoung chuckled softly and leaned back to lay next to JIhoon. Jihoon glanced over at him and found Soonyoung staring back. "When did you start having anxiety attacks? You haven't always had them..right?"  
"Mm. They started the last day I saw you. When you came to group for the last time." Jihoon spoke softly while trying to notice how close his hand was next to Soonyoung's.   
"So, things were hard for you when I left?" Soonyoung asked. 

  
"Of course they were. I deserved it though."   
"No one deserves to feel alone, Ji." Soonyoung croaked out. Jihoon glanced over and saw the tears in Soonyoung's eyes. Without realizing it he reached over and softly wiped them away. Soonyoung tensed but then closed his eyes and leaned into Jihoon's hand. 

They stayed like that for a bit. Just Soonyoung nuzzled against Jihoon's hand. Finally, Soonyoung pulled away and sat up putting his hands in his hair.   
"I...I can't do that." Soonyoung whispered.  
"What?" Jihoon sat up leaning towards the other.

  
"This. I don't know. Part of me hates you, Jihoon. But..there's this other part that still loves you. And..and that makes me hate myself. I'm so tired of hating myself. Being weak. I've been weak my whole life..at the hands of men. Men who just toss me away. You tossed me away." Soonyoung's voice raised.   
"I was in such a bad place before I met you and I promised myself I would never let another man put me back there. Then...I let you. I left after everything and I spent weeks in bed. I wouldn't eat..I didn't even want to dance. I kept telling myself that you did love me..that you just..but I finally had to suck it up. I couldn't let it ruin me again."  
"Soonyoung," Jihoon sighed. "I did love you. I still do. You weren't weak...I was the weak one. Don't you see that? You.." Jihoon reached out and placed Soonyoung's face in his hands.   
"You were perfect. So strong and so sure of yourself. I was..a fucking bitch. Scared of my best friend..scared of my father. You have never been the weak one."

Soonyoung was full-on crying at this point and Jihoon tried to catch every tear.   
"Ji, I can't...I can't go back to that place with you. It's not fair to myself and for all the work I've done to move on from it." Soonyoung pleaded with his eyes.   
Jihoon let go of Soonyoung's face and sighed looking down at his hands that were covered in Soonyoung's tears. Tears he had caused.   
"I know, Soonie. I know. I'm selfish but I love you and I won't ask that of you."  
Soonyoung wiped his nose on his sleeve and took in a deep breath.  
"Can we..can we just try to be friends? I..I know you have never really had friends and I know my friends are..well they are amazing. I don't want you to miss out on those because of me." Soonyoung slightly hiccuped. "I don't want to make things weird anymore. Can we..can we just be Jihoon and Hoshi?" 

Jihoon sighed and nodded. He was thankful that Soonyoung was giving him this chance. To be in his life. It wasn't how Jihoon wanted but he lost that privilege a long time ago. He thought of all the hurt and pain he must have caused Soonyoung. He imagined the state Soonyoung was in and realized that he deserved the same fate but two times more. He couldn't think of anything more painful than not ever being around Soonyoung. He knew he deserved that but he was grateful for the lifeline that Soonyoung was throwing him. It would be hard. Just being in the background of Soonyoung's life, watching him fall in love with someone new..but he was willing to live that way forever if it meant he could see him. 

"Yeah, we can do that. Just friends. Start fresh?" Jihoon asked. He wasn't sure how fresh they could start but he was willing to try. "Although, I really miss Soonyoung."   
Soonyoung smiled weakly at Jihoon and reached out to gently cup Jihoon's cheek.   
"I just can't be that boy anymore." 

They spent the rest of the night laying quietly next to each other watching the stars. Although neither of them talked their silence was filled with words left unspoken. Jihoon had to let go of Soonyoung completely. 

But maybe..maybe Hoshi would let him in.

==========================

The next few weeks went by fine. Jihoon stayed in routine but spent more time out with his new friends as a group now that Soonyoung and he were on better terms. He wouldn't say they were friends but being together in a room wasn't as painfully awkward anymore. They basically nicely ignored each other besides a greeting. 

It was hard for Jihoon. Sometimes something would happen..like Soonyoung would drop something and Jihoon would immediately go to pick it up only to find Soonyoung looking at him strangely..so he would leave whatever on the floor for Seokmin to get instead. He found himself holding the door open for Soonyoung or pulling out a chair awkwardly realizing what he was doing when Soonyoung would gape at him or Wonwoo would do that weird noise of clearing his throat. It was obvious to everyone that regardless of how little he spoke to Soonyoung..his attention was with him regardless. 

"Do you like Hoshi?" Wonwoo asked one night while they played Smash Bros. Jihoon sighed loudly and mashed a few buttons super aggressively which only made Wonwoo laugh. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I...I don't even know Hoshi." Jihoon stated before cussing at the screen when Wonwoo threw him off a ledge in-game. "Wonwoo, really...stop using that same move."   
"You should learn some moves of your own, Ji. In-game and out."   
"Wow, clever." Jihoon scoffed.   
"Are you coming to Mingyu's Halloween party?"   
"Unfortunately."   
Wonwoo smiled and restarted a new game. They played like this quietly for a bit before Wonwoo ruined it again.  
"Are you going to talk to Hoshi at th-" He didn't get a chance to continue because Jihoon threw down his controller and pouted all the way to his bed.   
Wonwoo knew Jihoon wasn't really mad and just laughed until Jihoon turned out the lights for bed. 

===================

"I look like a fucking idiot, Won." Jihoon sighed looking at his reflection. 

It was the night of the Halloween party and costumes were required. Jihoon stood staring at Wonwoo's reflection. He was dressed in a prince costume and he looked beautiful. Jihoon sighed at himself and the cheap vampire cape around his neck. 

"It's all I have Jihoon. Unless you want to dress up as a carrot." Wonwoo stated while adjusting his crown.  
"A carrot?"  
"Don't ask." 

Jihoon couldn't help but laugh. He untied the cape and threw it on the bed. He went over to his closet and dug out his tight black skinnies and a tight black top. It was sheer and you could just barely make out his nipples under it. He figured it was Halloween so why not be a little slutty? He got himself dressed then pushed his hair up and off his forehead then applied a generous amount of kohl around his eyes. His already porcelain skin really made the eyeshadow pop. He dug around in his bedside table and found some red lip tint that he dotted his lips with and then a little extra in the corner of his mouth. He took a finger and smeared the corner a bit. Not bad.

"Oh shit, okay then. Go off." Wonwoo wiggled his eyebrows at Jihoon. "Take these though." He handed Jihoon a set of porcelain fangs. Jihoon slipped them in and surprised himself by how hot he looked. He wasn't really ever that confident but he couldn't help be notice that he was definitely fuckable tonight. He hadn't been laid in so long..maybe it would help his mood a bit. 

Once they were both pleased with their looks they set off towards Mingyu's. Upon arriving they could already hear the music blasting through the house before even stepping inside. When they opened the door Jihoon couldn't help but be surprised by how many people were there. 

"Look if it gets too much..just text me. We will leave." Wonwoo assured him as he started to walk towards Mingyu who was dressed up as a sexy puppy. Jihoon couldn't help but laugh at Mingyu's ability to make something so innocent look so not..especially with that collar..the one Wonwoo now had his finger under pulling his boyfriend close. Jihoon laughed to himself and looked around taking in all the costumes. He made his way to the kitchen to look for something to drink. 

The kitchen was surprisingly empty except for someone in a latex bunny outfit sitting on the counter. Jihoon couldn't help but admire whoever it was because their shoulders were really pretty. He walked closer to get to the drink bucket when he made eye contact with none other than Soonyoung. I mean..because of course..it would be him. Jihoon couldn't hide his surprised expression and it made Soonyoung giggle a little, clearly already a little tipsy. 

"Omg, Hoonie. Wow." Soonyoung slurred jumping down off the counter and grabbing Jihoon by the hips. "You look so hot."  
"Uh, thanks Soon-Hoshi." Jihoon stammered out. He couldn't believe what Soonyoung was wearing. He was wearing a latex black bodysuit along with a matching bunny mask. "You look great too." Jihoon could feel his cheeks heating up.   
"Thanks, this is the same mask Ariana Grande wears on her album." Soonyoung smiles while striking a pose. Jihoon takes a mental picture..for later..for scientific reasons. 

Soonyoung moves his hands back to Jihoon's hips and pulls him close.   
"Save me a dance, Ji?" he whispers into Jihoon's ear. Jihoon closed his eyes when he felt Soonyoung's breath skate across the tip of his ear and he honestly had to will himself to not pop a boner in Mingyu's kitchen. When he went to respond he realized Soonyoung had already sauntered off. 

He leaned against the counter and ran a hand down his face. He was fucked. And not in the way he was hoping.  
Jihoon grabbed a beer and made his way back out into the party. He giggled at watching Seungkwan break down a bit because the costume rental place sent him the wrong costume and now he was walking around dressed like a giant orange. Jihoon tried to hug him but couldn't contain his laughter when he couldn't wrap himself around the giant costume which only made Seungkwan pout more.

He noticed Soonyoung was standing in a corner with some people he didn't know and saw Seokmin who was dressed like a knight walking towards them with two drinks in his hands. He scowled a bit when he saw Soonyoung reach out for him and pull him in before taking a drink. He rolled his eyes and moved through the party. 

He reached a room where people were doing karaoke and found a seat next to a boy with shaggy blonde hair. He was cute. He would do Jihoon thought. He smiled at the boy and the boy turned to him with a big smile. Cute. 

"Hey, I'm Jihoon." He yelled over to the boy.   
"I'm Chan." the boy mused back. They chatted a bit and Jihoon honestly thought he was a little annoying. He was way too positive and had too much to say. He did learn though that the boy was a model..he had finally got his big break which was a razor ad. This made Jihoon laugh a little too hard and the boy looked pretty upset.   
"Ah, sorry. No that sounds cool." Jihoon said watching the girl who was singing karaoke. He knew he wasn't interested and he didn't really care to even play like he was. His hand wasn't great but damn it wasn't talkative and annoying. He shut down pretty quickly and Chan realized it finally getting up to walk away. 

"Were you seriously flirting with Chan?" Soonyoung asked taking Chan's seat. Jihoon looked at him and shook his head. "No, you were Ji, I saw it. He's like young. Not out of high school young."   
Jihoon about spit out his beer.   
"That would explain why he was so annoying" Jihoon shrugged. "I'd rather jack off than listen to him, to be honest."   
He widened his eyes when he realized what he had just said and to who. He glanced at Soonyoung who also had wide eyes. Soon they both were in a fit of laughter.   
"You're fucking sick, Jihoon." Soonyoung laughed harder. Jihoon just rolled his eyes and shrugged. 

"Hoshi!" Seokmin called holding out the karaoke microphone. "Please do one!"   
Jihoon laughed a bit because he had actually never really heard Soonyoung sing other than a few times he would scream along to Shinee in his car. Soonyoung narrowed his eyes at Jihoon's laughter and got up to meet Seokmin. 

He grabbed the mic from Seokmin and flipped through the book until he found a song he liked. Seokmin sat down next to Jihoon and gave him a big smile. Jihoon nodded his way but kept his eyes on Soonyoung..he really did look hot. 

"This one is for you." Soonyoung sing-songed into the microphone. Jihoon could have SWORN he was looking at him but he also knew Seokmin was right next to him so obviously it was probably him who Soonyoung was staring at. 

Jihoon leaned back in his seat and sighed waiting for the music to start. He was expecting to hear "Shinee's Back" come through the speakers but instead Ariana Grande blasted through. Jihoon wasn't a fan but he knew most of her hits because..well everyone did and dammit they were catchy. 

Jihoon was NOT prepared for this though. Soonyoung was moving his hips and biting his lip singing along to Into You and again Jihoon could SWEAR he was looking at him. 

_Oh, baby, look what you started_   
_The temperature's rising in here_   
_Is this gonna happen?_   
_Been waiting and waiting for you to make a move_

Jihoon absolutely was getting a boner from watching his ex-boyfriend sing in a latex suit next to his ex's current boyfriend. This was honestly horrifying but Jihoon was absolutely not going to walk out on what Soonyoung was doing on the stage. 

Soonyoung was moving his hips and running his free hand through his hair and down his body. Seokmin was whooping along and hyping up his boyfriend and Jihoon had sat up and moved to the edge of the couch. He didn't want to leave but he was sure he was going to somehow cum in his pants by this. He realized just then how pathetic he really was. 

"I gotta go" Jihoon stood up quickly as soon as he saw Soonyoung drop his ass to the floor and back up again. Seokmin looked up at him puzzled. Jihoon pushed himself through the small crowd Soonyoung had gathered and met eyes with Seungkwan who immediately started laughing when he saw Jihoon covering his crotch and rushing out of the room. 

He made his way upstairs and into a bathroom. He stood with his back against the door for a bit debating on if he should just rub one out right there or not. He decided that was weird and just splashed water on his face instead. 

He pulled out his phone. 

**Uji** : Won, I'm going home. You don't have to leave. I'm okay. Just tired. 

**wonwonwon** : You sure you don't want me to walk you back at least?

 **uji** : I'm good. I'm a big boy.

 **wonwonwon** : Well, not really, Ji..you are like toddler-sized.

 **uji** : Where are you?

 **wonwonwon** : Kitchen. Why?

  
Jihoon didn't answer. He splashed his face once more and made his way down the stairs heading to the kitchen. When he walked in he saw Wonwoo with Mingyu and Soonyoung. He tried to not look at Soonyoung but did notice Soonyoung looked pretty smug. He decided to ignore this and walked up behind Wonwoo without him noticing. He took a second and then reared back and smacked Wonwoo over the back of the head. 

"Wha--?" Wonwoo whipped around ready to fight. When he saw it was Jihoon his stone-cold expression left and it was replaced with a smile. He started to laugh when Jihoon smacked him on the arm. 

"I'm not small. I'm a grown man, Wonu." Jihoon tried to say as seriously as he could but he soon too was laughing with Wonwoo. 

"You two are really weird," Mingyu said shaking his head. 

"You sure you're ok?" Wonwoo asked again pushing slightly on Jihoon's shoulder. 

"I'll be fine." He said. "Thanks for inviting me, Mingyu." Mingyu smiled and reached out for a hug.   
"Goodnight, Hoshi, was nice to see you." 

Soonyoung smiled at him and sat his drink down. "I'm leaving too." 

"Hoshi..you live here?" Mingyu said perplexed. 

"Um.." Soonyoung looked at Jihoon and then back at Mingyu. "I'm just going to go get some more snacks." He said while pulling Jihoon out of the kitchen by the wrist. 

"I mean honestly.." Mingyu yelled pointing to the table literally piled up with snacks. "What is with him lately?" 

Wonwoo just smiled and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend pulling him in close.

========

They walked beside each other quietly other than the occasional squeak from Soonyoung's outfit. 

"I don't know if your latex squeaking makes this less or more awkward." Jihoon sighed. Soonyoung stopped and looked at him smiling.   
"Awkward? I thought it was a nice quiet."   
"Nice. Quiet. Ahh, two words I would never use in a sentence with you."   
Soonyoung playfully punched Jihoon and they both started walking again.   
"Where did you go? You didn't get to see my ending moves."   
"Ahh. Figured I'd give Seokmin some space since you were performing for him."   
"Oh. Was I?" Soonyoung blinked owlishly at Jihoon.   
Jihoon narrowed his eyes and decided to not bite at that comment. 

They made it to Jihoon's dorm and they both stood awkwardly outside it. Soonyoung wavering a bit from the one too many shots.   
"Can you walk back okay? You seem a little woozy"   
"Woozy. Woozi. Uji. Ji." Soonyoung thought aloud.   
"Ha, okay..um.." Jihoon nervously opened his door and motioned for Soonyoung to go inside. Soonyoung hesitated but eventually went. 

He watched Soonyoung stumble around a bit and look at Jihoon's things. He watched him study some of the things he had hung on the walls and skim over the books he had laid out on his desk. He finally slipped off his shoes and jumped on Jihoon's bed. Stretching out over his bedcover, his eyes getting heavy. 

Jihoon smiled. He reached over and took a blanket from Wonwoo's bed and placed it over Soonyoung who was already falling asleep. He turned the lights off and sat down next to his bed leaning his head back against his bed, listening to Soonyoung's breathing. 

"Ji?" Soonyoung whispered.   
"Hm?"   
"I'm not going to fall in love with you again."   
"Ahh..that's okay. I can love you on my own."   
Jihoon turns back to look at Soonyoung and he has already gone back to sleep. Jihoon smiles to himself. Loving Soonyoung has always been easy. It's much easier than pretending not to. He thinks to himself that he can be happy loving Soonyoung even if it's not returned. He closes his eyes and doesn't realize that Soonyoung is staring at him fondly wondering if he could ever let himself love Jihoon again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is shit. 
> 
> I just didn't want to carry on with mean Soonie anymore. Ji deserves it but I didn't want to linger on it too long. 
> 
> Don't worry though-Jihoon won't get off that easily. He still has a lot to prove to Soonie before he even considers anything. 
> 
> But..Soonyoung can't deny there is something still there. 
> 
> Promise the next chapter will be better. I just felt I needed to update and put an end to the feud at least. I probably won't update until the weekend since its a holiday. I hope everyone has a good and safe holiday! 
> 
> If you ever want to chat you can reach me on insta @minjiandmo  
> Or on twitter @simply_soonhoon
> 
> I might start opening up for drabbles or requests. Should I?


	6. I wish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING  
> SEXUAL ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE
> 
> I don't go into great detail about it..but its there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I got behind on chapters. Regular updates will be a thing from now on! 
> 
> Any questions or concerns please reach out to me on twitter @simply_soonhoon
> 
> Comments always appreciated!

Jihoon woke the next morning with a crook in his neck. He rubbed away at his neck and shoulder before turning around to see if Soonyoung was still asleep. What he saw instead was an empty bed and the blanket he had placed over him neatly folded. 

He stood up and lifted the blanket, then the pillow, and looked around on the floor. Not even a little note to say thanks or bye or something. He glared at the bed for a few minutes before the bathroom door opened and strolled out. 

He was just in a towel and had a toothbrush in his mouth with a big grin. Jihoon looked at him with annoyance which only made Wonwoo's smile grow wider. 

"Uhh knu smothin," Wonwoo said while bits of toothpaste flew from his mouth.

"What? And gross.." Jihoon wiped at his face and glared at Wonwoo. 

Wonwoo walked back into the bathroom and a few minutes later came back out in clothes and no toothbrush in his mouth. He sat down on his bed and patted the spot next to him. Jihoon glared but walked over and sat anyway. 

"I said that I know something," Wonwoo smiled.   
"Yeah, well, I would hope so." Jihoon stuck out his tongue.   
"Hoshi stayed here last night." Wonwoo teased.   
"Okay? He just was drunk..ish. I didn't think he should walk back alone." Jihoon shrugged. 

"Thanks for taking care of me, Woozi. Heart heart heart Hoshi." Wonwoo read out loud from a small crumpled up note in his hand. Jihoon immediately snatched it out of his hand and looked it over. "What is Woozi?"  
"I don't know, Won. He was drunk and said he was woozy and then it somehow led to my name and now I guess this is a thing."   
"It's cute. Woozi. Hoshi. Hoshi and Woozi." Wonwoo singsonged before getting slapped over the head with a pillow. 

\-----  
Jihoon loved his music composition class but he hated the idea of a group project. His professor seems to think that it will help the students get out of their comfort zone and that is exactly something Jihoon doesn't like to do. 

Jihoon glanced around the room trying to decide who he would choose to partner up with. The only person he thought would actually be worth partnering with would be Seokmin because he was good with music but that would be way too awkward. He didn't realize he was staring until Seokmin winked at him. He shook his head and focused back on his professor. 

"I won't be pairing you with a classmate though. You will each be paired with a student from the dance program. You will need to work together to compose a song and dance to perform at the end of the semester for your final grade." the professor explained handing each student a sheet of paper with their partner on it. 

Jihoon held the paper in his hands staring at it hoping it was wrong. 

"Hey! You got Hoshi! I'm jealous!" Seokmin leaned over and pouted.   
"I'm sure we could trade if you wanted to?" Jihoon nervously ran his hand through his hair. He leaned over to look at Seokmin's paper and saw the name Hong Jisoo.   
"No," Seokmin hurriedly replied. "I've had a crush on Jisoo for a long time so this is the perfect opportunity."   
Jihoon gawked at Seokmin.   
"What about Hoshi?" Jihoon narrowed his eyes.   
"What about him?" Seokmin laughed while standing up to gather his bag to leave. "See you around, Woozi."   
Jihoon sighed.   
"What the actual fuck?" he muttered to himself. 

\-----

Jihoon stood outside the dance studio that he knew Soonyoung liked to use. He peeked in and saw him practicing moves with a tall thin boy. He sighed while quietly walking in and making his way over to the back of the room to sit and wait for them to finish. 

Soonyoung hadn't noticed him yet and he was thankful for that. He still wasn't sure this was a good idea but even though he begged to switch partners his professor refused. 

Jihoon tried to focus on the other boy. He was tall and had the brightest purple hair. He would lazily follow along to the music mimicking the moves Soonyoung would show him. He was attractive in his way and he moved beautifully even though his body seemed too long. Jihoon looked at his short legs and silently cursed them.   
He looked back up and made eye contact with the taller one who just winked at him while he finished a few moves. Jihoon nervously fidgeted with his phone trying to not be noticed any more than he already had. 

"Ahh, I must be dreaming...but there is the prettiest fairy I've ever seen," the boy smiled and pointed to Jihoon's reflection in the mirror. Jihoon looked up already a blush spread across his face and met Soonyoung's gaze who was smiling. 

"Jun, that's not a fairy that is Jihoon," Soonyoung said laughing and walking towards Jihoon. "Also, if mention his size again I can't promise I can hold him off you when he is trying to beat your ass."   
"Oh, I don't mind being a bottom." Jun winked again at Jihoon. 

Soonyoung and Jihoon both said, "WHAT?"

Jun laughed and wiped the sweat off his forehead and shrugged. Soonyoung shook his head and took a long sip from his water bottle. 

"Uh..well, I just came to discuss our assignment, Soon...Hoshi." Jihoon said standing up and meeting them in the middle of the room. He pulled out the assignment sheet and handed it to Soonyoung. 

Soonyoung took it with raised eyebrows and looked over it carefully. "So, we will be working together for a few weeks?"  
Jun pouted at this and whined. Soonyoung looked over at him and questioned his attitude.   
"You get this cute little power top all for yourself for weeks? No fair, Hoshi. You get all the boys." 

Jihoon looked at Soonyoung surprised. He hadn't ever thought much about Soonyoung being with a lot of other guys. He was with Seokmin but..how many others since Jihoon had there been? Jihoon immediately felt inadequate and a bit behind in the department considering the only attention his dick got was from his hand. 

Soonyoung laughed nervously and pushed at Jun.   
"Jun, I don't have..boys. Stop. Listen just practice that third step at the chorus and we should be good for the showcase. Ji and I are going to go talk about this assignment."   
He tugged on Jihoon's sleeve and started to pull him out the door.   
"Yeah, well have fun talking." Jun rolled his eyes and then laughed. 

\----------

They made their way to a small cafe and sat down across from each other.

"Uh, so.." Jihoon started.  
"Jihoon..what Jun said." Soonyoung interrupted. "I...haven't had a ton of boys or whatever he was going on about."   
Jihoon nodded his head but refused to meet Soonyoung's eyes. Looking over the menu instead.   
"Jihoon..." Soonyoung started again. "I need to tell you about Seokmin."   
"Look, Soonyoung, I...I don't need to know your like..fuck list or whatever. We aren't dating. I would be stupid to assume you haven't been with others. It's not a big deal." Jihoon said shrugging. Although his mouth was saying he didn't care his heart was screaming otherwise.   
Soonyoung sighed and luckily decided to just drop the conversation. 

Jihoon waited patiently for Soonyoung to finish his third chocolate cookie and can of coke before he decided to go into details about the assignment. He was surprised when Soonyoung had told him their dance teacher hadn't said much about the assignment other than they would couple with a music student. Soonyoung had forgotten about it in general until Jihoon had shown up. 

"So, I've been working on a song. I don't know if you will like it or what...but I think it could be a good song to tell a story with so a dance would be easy to follow along with as well." Jihoon turned his laptop towards Soonyoung. 

"Lie Again?" Soonyoung asked. Glancing over the notes. "Do you just have the title? No lyrics?"   
"No...I have lyrics. I just didn't think those were important. I can just give you the music and tell you a bit of the story, right?" Jihoon asked nervously wiping his hands on his jeans. Why he thought he should use a song he wrote for Soonyoung for this assignment he wasn't sure...but honestly what song wasn't about him?

"Well, Ji, the lyrics would help. If you want the dance to compliment the song I need more than just a beat. Dancing is just as in-depth and complicated as songwriting. I think that's kind of the point of this assignment. No offense but music students are always bitchy about their process but think us dance students do nothing but prance around." Soonyoung complained fidgeting with his empty can of coke. 

"Ah, I suppose your right. I can send you the lyrics then and the music." Jihoon nodded. Turning the computer back around towards him. 

"Can you just sing it for me?" Soonyoung asked. 

"Oh." Jihoon raised his eyebrows. "I can sing it on the track and send it to you if that'll help."   
He glanced at Soonyoung and tried to read his expression but it was hard when Soonyoung was refusing to meet his eyes. 

"Where do you get your inspiration from, Ji? For your songs?" Soonyoung asked quietly. 

Jihoon sighed and closed his laptop. He hadn't shared much of his music other than for professors and the one song he sold when he left high school. When he sold Us, Again he struggled with sharing anything else. He had only given up that song because he desperately needed money to leave his town and get into university. He loved that song..it was a song he had written for Soonyoung. A promise to Soonyoung. But hearing it on the radio coming from someone else... had put him off sharing music other than for himself. He swore he would never sell another song unless he was the one singing it. 

"Personal experience?" Jihoon muttered.   
"Seokmin says most of your songs in class are love songs."   
"Ahh..well, that sells easily right?" Jihoon smiled weakly.   
"So you are in love?" Soonyoung asked carefully finally meeting the other's eyes.   
"Would it matter either way?" Jihoon asked slightly annoyed.   
"Did you really already have a song sold?"   
"Yes, I sold a song to get into university and move away from home." Jihoon ran a hand through his hair and slumped back against the chair.   
"You know...I danced to that song for my opening showcase here. It was funny because I had no idea who wrote it. I just assumed the idol who sang it did. Then one day my professor told me that the guy who wrote the song I danced to was coming to school here. It had me wondering who wrote it so I had looked it up and I saw your name. I..." Soonyoung stop for a moment to steady his voice that had gotten a little shakey. "I saw the name and I thought...is that my Jihoon? Surely not. But I couldn't find any information on you or what had happened to you. I eventually just kind of forgot and then I saw you and I knew it was you."   
"Your Jihoon?" Jihoon asked barely a whisper.   
"That song...was it for me?"   
Jihoon held Soonyoung's gaze. Watched the other's eyes soften and water a bit. Noticed his pout and the shakiness of his grip on the empty can. He sighed.   
"Yes."  
Jihoon was surprised by what happened next.   
Soonyoung took his hand into his own and softly squeezed it.   
"Thank you, Hoonie." 

  
\-----------------------

"Why didn't you tell me that Hoshi was Soonyoung?" Wonwoo asked after rushing into their dorm room.   
Jihoon was peacefully napping on his bed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes to see Wonwoo's tall figure leaning over him arms crossed.   
"I.." Jihoon sat up, "I don't know. I didn't know at first Hoshi was Soonyoung..well until that night at dinner."   
"That's why it was so fucking weird. And you puked."   
"Well, yeah.."   
"Okay but then why didn't you tell me, Ji? I thought you were my best friend?" Wonwoo sat down next to Jihoon.   
"My best friend?"   
"Yes. Best friend. Is that not what we are?"   
"No...I mean yes...I just... it's nice to hear it. It's been a long time since I was close to anyone. Or well..to anyone good." Jihoon smiled softly at Wonwoo who was now laying his head in Jihoon's lap.   
"Why didn't you tell me though?"  
"I was scared. I was scared when I told you in the first place. That you would think I was a terrible person...because I was. But then when I found out Soonyoung was your actual friend I was terrified. I thought I would lose you as a friend. I didn't...I couldn't lose someone again. I had already lost so much." Jihoon sniffled. He was surprised by the tears that were falling down his cheeks.   
"I told you then that I didn't think you were a bad person. We all do dumb shit. And high school is the fucking worst. Especially when you are gay. No one is going to hate you for this." Wonwoo smiled up at Jihoon and poked at the tears pooling out of Jihoon's eyes.   
"Everyone knows?" Jihoon asked.   
"Well, Mingyu knows so yes..everyone knows. If not yet they will soon. He is absolutely the worst when it comes to this type of stuff. He means well though."  
"Was he mad?"  
"A little. Not at you. I mean..not really. I don't know. You should talk to him."   
Jihoon nodded. He glanced at the clock and knew that Soonyoung would be at dance practice so Mingyu would be home alone.   
"Do you want to go with me?" Jihoon pleaded.   
"Uhh.." Wonwoo laughed. "Yeah, let's go. I will drive." 

\-------------------------------

Jihoon stood nervously behind Wonwoo when they got inside Mingyu and Soonyoung's house. Mingyu kissed Wonwoo sweetly on the lips and then practically glared at Jihoon. 

"Gyu, be nice, damn," Wonwoo said patting the cushion next to him for Mingyu to sit.   
"I am always nice." Mingyu pouted. Jihoon sat across from them on a chair and suddenly became super interested in a spot on the carpet. "But like...did he come over to stare at my carpet or to explain himself?"  
"I mean...I don't think he needs to explain any-" Wonwoo started but shut up real fast when he saw the death glare Mingyu was giving him. 

"No, it's okay, Won," Jihoon spoke up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you guys that I knew Soonyoung-Hoshi-whatever. I should have as soon as I saw him that first night. To be honest..seeing him fucked me up. And I needed a second to process it but also I was scared I was going to lose the chance to have friends." 

Mingyu held his eyes on Jihoon in silence for a few moments before clearing his throat.

"Jihoon, we would still be your friend. We still are. I'm not mad...I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at Hoshi for not telling me a lot of things. I didn't even know Hoshi wasn't his name. He is my best friend and I don't even know him!" Mingyu pouted. "Of course now I know why he changed his name and everything." 

"Why?" Wonwoo asked. 

"Well, he said he changed it because he didn't want anyone from his hometown to find him." Mingyu looked nervously towards Jihoon. "Jihoon, do you know anything about what happened to Hoshi when he left?" 

Jihoon shook his head. He had looked and looked for Soonyoung. He had spent nights wide awake wondering if he was even still alive. 

"Well, I know you guys met in some kind of like therapy thing, right?"   
"We met at a support group for teens. We had gone to school together..not like for a long time..he was fairly new to my school. But I was there because my dad beat me. After all, I was gay. And like all this stuff with my best friend and fucking his older brother and.."   
"WAIT..what?" Wonwoo asked laughing. "Like..you can't just be like all nonchalant about your dad beating you and you fucking your best friend's brother." 

Jihoon laughed a little at that. He honestly didn't realize how unbothered he was by all that now. Sure it still got to him at times but mostly he had moved on from it other than what he had done to Soonyoung. 

"Okay, I mean I don't want to get into a lot of it but my best friend was super homophobic just like my dad. Of course, I didn't know my friend was but I found out because he caught me with his older brother. It was a really..toxic friendship but he was the only person I knew until Soonyoung." 

"Is that why you said those things to Hoshi at school in front of everyone?" Mingyu asked. 

"Yeah, I...I got scared. I was selfish. I was scared of the whole school knowing I was gay. I was scared of losing my best friend...even though he wasn't a very good one. I was just scared. I thought if I could save myself and make Soonyoung look bad then...no one would know. It's the one thing I regret the most." 

"When I met him, he was really fucked up, Ji," Mingyu said quietly. Wonwoo nodding. "He had...been doing things for money to get into the dance program. His mom left with his dad even though Hoshi told her about what he was doing." 

"Wait," Jihoon stopped. Jihoon thought over the things Soonyoung had said in group about his family but he couldn't remember anything. All he knew was that he had dated a teacher and the school had found out about it. "What do you mean about his dad?"

"Well," Mingyu shifted uncomfortably. "His dad sexually abused him. His dad was a teacher too so it was fucked up. That's why they left the school. His dad was not okay and had been touching him since he was younger but like...Hoshi continued it when he got older because he was scared that his dad would hurt someone else. So, they had this almost weird relationship. When his mom found out she just blamed Hoshi." 

"Hoshi was dating his dad?" Wonwoo asked confused. 

"No, not..like..he just was taking the abuse so others wouldn't. He was just trying to do whatever his dad needed because he thought he could take it all as long as no one else was hurt." Mingyu explained. "When Hoshi's mom refused to help him he threatened the police. So they just left him. Hoshi has no idea where they went and it like..eats him up because he wonders if he is out there hurting anyone." 

Jihoon didn't realize he had been holding his breath so he finally let it out and was embarrassed a small sob came after. 

"When we met I offered him to stay here and...I even paid for some things. I didn't want him to be out there with random old guys. I didn't even really know him but he just needed someone. I have a habit of picking up people who need help." Mingyu smiled and glanced towards Wonwoo who rolled his eyes. "He told me about his past and about how his boyfriend had embarrassed him and hurt him. I remember thinking if I ever saw his boyfriend I would punch him. I had even told him that but he said that he would never let anything hurt his boyfriend. I thought he was crazy because after everything this dude did to him he still clearly loved him." 

Jihoon was full-on sobbing now. He couldn't believe that Soonyoung had been dealing with this the whole time they were together. He couldn't help but think back and recognize a lot of the signs. The bruises on Soonyoung's body that he would blame dancing on. The way he tensed at any type of physical affection. The way Soonyoung had cried the first time they made love telling Jihoon that he never knew it could be like that. At the time the comment had hurt Jihoon...he had always just assumed he had done it often with his ex or something and the thought of that had often made Jihoon insecure but now to know that the only other times Soonyoung had been in that situation was at the hands of his father and from abuse made Jihoon sick to his stomach. 

"I...I had no idea." Jihoon said. "I knew he was heartbroken over an ex. I knew he had tried to end his life. But I didn't know...I didn't know this and I didn't know he was still living with the person who hurt him the most. Why didn't he tell me?" 

"I don't know, Jihoon. You'd have to ask him. I just...I can't see Hoshi fall back into that person he was before. He was just this empty shell of a person. It took weeks to get him to be who he is now. I don't...I worry if you will set that off again?" Mingyu says.   
"Gyu, don't say that or put like that pressure on Ji." Wonwoo glared. 

"No, Won, I get it. I have no plans on hurting Soonyoung. I...I love him. I will spend my entire life making it up to him. I decided that before seeing him and then decided even more so when I saw him again for the first time. I...I just want to be there for him. I won't even mess up him and Seokmin." 

"Seokmin?" Mingyu and Wonwoo both asked. 

"Yeah, his boyfriend?" 

Mingyu and Wonwoo both glanced at each other and then back at Jihoon. There was a brief moment of silence before both of them started to laugh. Jihoon wiped at his tears and wondered what the fuck was wrong with these people. This wasn't a time to laugh. 

"Honey, Seokmin is not Hoshi's boyfriend," Mingyu said through a giggle. "They are just friends. Seokmin is in love with Joshua-hyung. And Hoshi hasn't even looked at a boy since we became friends. Well, not anymore...not since you've been here." 

"Oh my god. No wonder why Seokmin has been so confused." Wonwoo said laughing and pulling out his phone. "I've got to fill Seokmin in on this because he is always like why is Jihoon-hyung talking about Hoshi being into me. He is going to crack up." 

Jihoon looked at both of them perplexed. "Then why would he tell me that?"

"Ji, sweetie, isn't it obvious?" Mingyu said with a smile. 

Jihoon didn't respond. He watched Wonwoo laugh while texting and then glanced at Mingyu who was still staring at him smiling. 

"Let's just ask him," Mingyu said pointing behind Jihoon. Jihoon turned around to see a very exhausted Soonyoung. His hair was messy and stuck a bit to his forehead and back of his neck by sweat. He was peeling off his jacket and had a loose tank top underneath. 

"Ask me what?" Soonyoung said slipping off his shoes. 

"Why you told Jihoon you were dating Seokmin." 

Jihoon watched the color leave Soonyoung's face. Willed the other to meet his eyes but he wouldn't. 

"I need a drink. Who wants a drink?" Soonyoung said while walking to the kitchen. 

"It's a Tuesday, Hoshi!" Mingyu yelled trailing after the other. 

"Listen the amount of information I have gotten today is too much. My head hurts." Wonwoo rubbed at his temples.

Jihoon glared at Wonwoo and glanced towards the kitchen. He could see Soonyoung drinking soju straight out of the bottle and Mingyu trying to pull it out of his grip. 

"What the fuck." Jihoon whispered to himself.   
"Honestly." Wonwoo laughed.


	7. Good To Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW:
> 
> Brief mention of sexual abuse to cover the last chapter. 
> 
> Also 18+ due to sexual scenes towards the end of this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to go clean up some past chapters because I had forgotten I had already spilled some beans about certain things so I changed a few things around.

Jihoon was not ready for the conversation he was about to have with Soonyoung but he couldn't stall in the living room any longer. He sighed and stood up and made his way to the kitchen. 

Soonyoung was chugging a soju bottle and Mingyu was trying to take it from him. They both stopped when they noticed Jihoon. 

"Could we maybe talk?" Jihoon asked carefully. Soonyoung nodded and Mingyu made his way back into the living room to sit with Wonwoo. Jihoon leaned against the counter eyeing the soju bottle in Soonyoung's hand. 

He reached out slowly and took a hold of the bottle and pulled it softly out of Soonyoung's grasp, putting it on the counter with a small clink. Soonyoung sighed and ran his hands through his hair face already flushed from the alcohol. Jihoon hesitated and then stepped forward slowly wrapping his arms around Soonyoung and pulling him down into his chest. He didn't say anything. He just let Soonyoung cry. 

\------

Jihoon had let Soonyoung cry several snot piles onto his shirt and then had helped him to his room. He had never been in Soonyoung's room and he smiled while seeing the familiar Shinee posters on the wall. He laid Soonyoung on the bed and pushed some of the other's hair out of his face. 

"Are you always going to put me to bed when I drink?" Soonyoung whispered. Jihoon laughed lightly and shrugged.  
"I guess someone has to." 

Silence filled the room and Jihoon asked about Tylenol which Soonyoung pointed to a dresser across the room. He made his way over and started digging around the piles of papers and whatnot on Soonyoung's dresser, smiling at the fact that Soonyoung was still messy. His hand hovered on a photo...a photo of him. He composed himself and finally found the pill bottle. He handed the bottle to Soonyoung then excused himself to fetch water. 

He padded quietly out in the living room where Wonwoo was asleep on the couch. He wondered where Mingyu was but found him sitting at the kitchen table with a box. 

"I'm so dumb," Mingyu said strained. Jihoon raised his eyebrows at him and walked towards the younger leaning over to see the box. It was filled with pictures of Soonyoung and Jihoon. There were notes and songs on crumpled papers. "I have actually looked in here before but never really looked. Just knew it was someone important to him. I can't believe I didn't recognize you." 

"Ah. Well, I think I grew a bit since then." Jihoon tried to joke.  
"You didn't."  
"Mingyu I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I'm sorry Soonyoung didn't either." Jihoon placed a hand on Mingyu's shoulder. "It wasn't personal."  
"Okay, but Boo Seungkwan knew. Like...wow."  
"Oh, no one told him. He saw pictures at my studio space. But he doesn't know much about it."  
"Well, that does make me feel a little better..."  
Jihoon smiled and reached over to move around some photos. Stopping at one of Soonyoung and him outside of group.  
"What happened between you guys? He just said some boy broke his heart." Mingyu asked.  
"Oh, I did more than that. I stripped him of feeling like he deserved love. Embarrassed him in front of the school to appease my homophobic best friend. I was really scared to be gay."  
Mingyu nodded and pointed to a photo of Jihoon, "The pink hair doesn't really help the whole not gay thing."  
"Okay...listen men can like pink and not be gay." Jihoon protested before the both of them started laughing.  
"I like you Jihoon. I think you are a good person. A good friend. Especially to Won. Also, I think you would be good to Hoshi this time."  
"I want to be. I don't know if I deserve a second chance though. Or if he would even be ready for that."  
"Just be there for him, Ji. Everything else will fall into place." Mingyu smiled pushing a glass of water towards him. "Take this to him. I'm going to go carry Won to bed."  
They parted with a long hug and Jihoon watched lovingly as Mingyu threw Wonwoo over his shoulder and headed off to his room. 

He walked quietly back into the room not sure if Soonyoung was awake or not. He headed over and placed the water next to the bottle of pills and sat on the edge of the bed slightly facing the other. 

"Why didn't you tell me?" Jihoon asked.  
"Because it's gross," Soonyoung whispered turning to face the other.  
"It's gross that your father is a piece of shit and obviously so is your mother...but you are not gross."  
Soonyoung sighed and pushed himself up to sit face to face with Jihoon.  
"Do you really think I'm not gross? Even if...I did sleep with older men at times and even after? To pay with school?"  
"I don't think it's gross. You felt like that's what you had to do. I wish...I wish that wouldn't have been what you had to do...I wish I could have helped instead. But I...I didn't know." Jihoon's voice strained.  
"Do you still talk to Cheol?" Soonyoung asked reaching over to play with a loose string on Jihoon's shirt.  
"No, when you left...I left Cheol. I told him I didn't want to be his friend anymore. It was pretty bad. But I didn't regret it. I still don't. I should have made that choice before...instead of choosing to hurt you."  
"Ji...I know we have already talked about this. Its...whatever at this point. There were so many other things going on outside of you and our relationship. It was just like a breaking point. I shouldn't have been in a relationship with my state...I shouldn't have expected you to be able to handle all of me along with whatever you were going through. You and your dad...yourself." Soonyoung sighed. "I shouldn't have gone after a straight boy."  
"Okay...well I'm not straight. And I should have been there. I should have known...I should have-" Jihoon stopped when he felt Soonyoung's lips softly against his cheek.  
"We both should have done better," Soonyoung said softly pulling back to look into Jihoon's eyes.  
"What about Seokmin?" Jihoon asked.  
Soonyoung shook his head with a small smile, "He isn't my boyfriend. Just a friend. I...when I saw you that first night I panicked. I wanted you to think I didn't care about you and that I had moved on. Seokmin is pretty oblivious so I figured I could play it off."  
"Have you moved on?" Jihoon asked.  
"I think I've moved on from parts of us. But I think...I wonder about how those parts could be different now." Soonyoung smiled with tear-stained cheeks.  
Jihoon leaned forward and slowly kissed Soonyoung.

He couldn't believe how long it had been since he had kissed Soonyoung's plush lips. Did they get softer? Bigger? They kissed clumsily for a few minutes before their mouths found a familiar rhythm. As if their mouths hadn't forgotten each other just like their hearts.  
Jihoon pulled back and softly kissed the other's forehead. Soonyoung chased after his lips but Jihoon turned away. 

"I don't want to take advantage of this moment. Of you. While you're upset. I'm not saying I don't want this. I do. I just...I need to do things right this time. Let me be here for you." Jihoon said rubbing at Soonyoung's cheeks.  
"Jihoon, but I want-" Soonyoung started but was stopped when Jihoon placed his finger against Soonyoung's lips.  
"I do too. You don't even know how bad...but we should wait." Jihoon couldn't help but smile at Soonyoung's pout. He stood up and handed the glass of water to Soonyoung. 

"Take your medicine. I'm going to go. I'll see you tomorrow for our assignment?" Jihoon asked. Soonyoung pouted but reached for the bottle of pills. He swallowed them and looked up at Jihoon nodding and waving the other off. 

Jihoon walked home that night feeling lighter than he had in months. 

\----------------------------

Not fucking Soonyoung was a lot harder than Jihoon had thought. 

Although they had a breakthrough a few nights ago Jihoon still thought they shouldn't rush into anything. He didn't want to ruin anything, especially Soonyoung's mental wellbeing. He wasn't going to bring him back down. 

Although he thought this should be appreciated by Soonyoung he found out that the older had different thoughts about this and was dead set on getting Jihoon to fold. Jihoon forgot how much of a tease the other could be. 

There he was in the practice room with a boner he was desperately trying to hide with his laptop. Soonyoung was shirtless in a pair of unbearably short shorts and covered in sweat. 

"I mean...clothes probably help you dance better, right?" Jihoon asked focusing on the program in front of him. He rolled his eyes when he heard the other chuckle.  
"Nah." Soonyoung grabbed a towel and wiped at his brow meeting Jihoon's gaze in the mirror. "Ji, this song is too slow for what I want to do."  
"I know but isn't that the point? It's something you don't normally dance to. So it's pushing you out of your comfort zone." Jihoon stated.  
"Okay. Point. But what is pushing you out of your comfort zone? You are still writing the most beautiful soul-bearing music..." Soonyoung stopped. "I meant to like not compliment you to make a point but I couldn't. You are insufferable but your music isn't."  
Jihoon laughed and shrugged.  
"What if you danced with me?" Soonyoung smiled.  
"No." Jihoon shut his laptop. "Absolutely not."  
"Ji. HOOOOONIE. Come on. No one else is doing that. It would be a total shock. We could..both record the song. We could both sing. And both dance. No one would expect it."  
Jihoon pondered this and really enjoyed the idea of them both recording it because he always wondered how his melodic voice would sound against the gruff of Soonyoung's...but dancing? That was not something he had on his lists of things to embarrass himself with.  
Soonyoung watched Jihoon ponder and sat down next to him wrapping his arms around the smaller.  
"Please, Jihoonie. Please. I'll let you call me Oppa." Soonyoung cooed into his ear.  
"Why the fuck would I call you that? I'm a man. You watch too many kdramas, Soon. I swear to god they rot your brain. Do you want me to take you to a little heart-shaped island too?"  
"Oh my god, Lee Jihoon. You watched Boys Over Flowers?" Soonyoung laughed.  
"Everyone has. Just shut up. I will dance. I guess." Jihoon gave in. 

Soonyoung smiled and hopped up pulling Jihoon with him. "Okay, I think it would be cool if we went with the lyrics. You know how it's all like 'I don't like you' but then it's just the other protecting the--wait...who did you write this about?"  
Jihoon winked at him and pushed him a bit playfully. "You are such a narcissist. Show me what to do." 

They spent the next two hours laughing and coming up with moves to tell the story of how Jihoon pushed away from the one boy he thought he didn't deserve. By the time they were finished Jihoon thought that maybe he did deserve that love. 

\-------------------

Jihoon walked into the restaurant and looked for his group of friends. He followed the screaming from Boo Seungkwan and the loud laughter from Soonyoung and found them all huddled around a table. 

"Ji!" Wonwoo smiled. "About time. Gyu wouldn't let us start without you." Jihoon smiled at Mingyu who patted a seat next to him. 

He sat down and looked around the table smiling at all his friends. He was surprised to see Joshua at the table. He hadn't seen Joshua in almost a year and to see him right in front of him was something he wasn't prepared for...or for Joshua's hand to wrap in Seokmin's. 

"Shua? I...I didn't know you went here? I didn't know you were the Joshua Seokmin was talking about." Jihoon whispered. "What happened to Jeonghan?"  
Joshua smiled. "I knew you were here but I didn't want to make anything worse so I just kind of stayed back. I'm sorry for the ambush tonight but I really like Seokmin and I could only blow him off so many times."  
Jihoon nodded. Totally caught off guard.  
"Also, Jeonghan and I broke up. He...he fell in love with someone else. It was kind of an ugly scene. But we are both happier now. Still friends. I hope we can be now?"  
Jihoon nodded and poured himself a coke. He glanced around at everyone and caught Soonyoung watching the both of them. His eyes seemed to ask Jihoon if he was okay and he smiled at the other.  
What was more surprising than actually seeing Joshua was the fact that he didn't feel anything. He once was so obsessed and hurt over Joshua but now he honestly didn't feel anything other than the normal fondness one has for an older brother.  
"Yes. Friends. I like those." Jihoon placed a piece of meat on Joshua's plate with a smile. Joshua smiled back and popped the food into his mouth before turned to Seokmin to laugh about whatever they were originally talking about. 

"You know Joshua?" Wonwoo asked.  
"That's the older brother of his best friend that he fucked." Mingyu said with a mouth full of meat.  
"Gyu!" Wonwoo and Jihoon both yelled.  
Mingyu laughed and shrugged, "This group is so fucking messy."  
This sent the three of them into a fit of laughter. 

Eventually, members from the table left and said their goodbyes leaving Jihoon and Soonyoung alone with Wonwoo and MIngyu. 

"How was it seeing Shua?" Soonyoung asked.  
Jihoon shrugged, "Surprising but it was nice to know that is all over with."  
"Should we expect any other weird person to show up in our friend group that yall have fucked or?" Mingyu asked with a smirk.  
"Nah, everyone I fucked is too old to be here." Soonyoung teased.  
Wonwoo and Jihoon both choked on their drinks.  
"They are so easy to shock." Mingyu giggled.  
"No, you both just have zero tact." Wonwoo narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend and best friend.  
"On that note, I think I'm going to head home. Will you be there tonight or at Gyu's again?" Jihoon leaned over to whisper to Wonwoo. He saw Wonwoo glance over and his boyfriend and hesitate "Okay, yeah...I will see you when I see you then." Wonwoo smiled at him apologetically and gave him a quick hug. 

As Jihoon was walking by Soonyoung grabbed his wrist, "Want me to walk you home?"  
Jihoon shrugged and Soonyoung pouted.  
"Yes, Kwon. Let's go."

\-------------

It was a chilly night and they both walked slowly through the empty sidewalks. Jihoon with his hands firmly set into his pockets so he wouldn't reach out and hold Soonyoung's that was swinging by his side. 

Jihoon couldn't help but stare at the older's hands. They were bigger than his and maybe even bigger than they were in high school. His fingers were long but thicker than his own. He loved watching the veins on his hands whenever he danced or reached for a drink. He had a weird thing for hands...or maybe just Soonyoung's. 

They got to his dorm and Jihoon let Soonyoung in against his better judgment because as soon as the door closed Jihoon was up against it with Soonyoung's mouth against his. He considered fighting the other off but damn he tasted good. 

Soonyoung's hands ran up the sides of Jihoons body and cupped his face. Brushing his tongue against Jihoon's lips to be let in. Jihoon let him in and couldn't help the moan that escapes his mouth. He felt Soonyoung's smile against his mouth and pushed him back. 

"We shouldn't do this."  
"I haven't been drinking."  
"What does that have to do with anything?"  
"I don't know I'm always like borderline drunk when we end up in these situations so I thought maybe you thought that was why you shouldn't."  
"No, Soonyoung. I want you to know that I'll be here even without sex." Jihoon said. 

Soonyoung pulled back and they both stared at each other for a moment. They searched each other's eyes and finally, Jihoon reached out, "I don't know if that was the wrong thing to say but I just need you to know that...I want you. Like...all of you. The bad bits and the good. I don't just want what you can do for me." 

"Do not make me cry, Lee Jihoon when I am half-hard." Soonyoung laughed. "Thank you though. I want to come back to that statement but after I've had my way with you." He put his hands on each side of Jihoon's shoulders against the door and leaned in over the other's neck. Jihoon felt his body shake at Soonyoung's breath on his neck. He leaned his head back with a sigh giving the other easier access to it. 

Soonyoung sucked and licked at Jihoon's neck. Sucking hard at every moan that Jihoon accidentally let escape. He pressed his body against the younger's and pulled a bit at the sensitive skin on his neck with his teeth. 

Jihoon felt like his legs were going to give out but didn't need to worry because Soonyoung had scooped him up, Jihoon wrapped his legs around the other's waist. Jihoon didn't remember Soonyoung being so assertive or aggressive when they were younger. He didn't mind it though. 

Soonyoung carried the younger over to the bed and sat him on the edge. Jihoon immediately reached for the other's belt and started undoing his pants, planting small messy kisses on the other's lower stomach. Soonyoung rolled his head back and let out a deep sigh. Jihoon worked his pants down and took a moment to take in the sight of Soonyoung's cock. It was still bigger than his and Jihoon worried that maybe he wouldn't be able to fit it in his mouth. 

When they were in school they had only fooled around a few times and each time it was Soonyoung who sucked off Jihoon or it was Jihoon that topped. Jihoon wasn't quite sure what he was doing but he really wanted to make Soonyoung feel good. 

He firmly grasped Soonyoung's shaft and start slow long pumps watching the other's legs shake slightly. He kissed at the other's thighs and then ran his tongue over Soonyoung's balls, lightly sucking when he pulled off. He kissed up Soonyoung's length and lapped his tongue over his slit. When he covered Soonyoung completely with his mouth he had to fight back a smile when Soonyoung cursed and carded his hand through Jihoon's hair. 

He bobbed his head slowly changing the speed with every moan Soonyoung made. He tried different pressures and ran his fingers down Soonyoung's thighs trying to find exactly what Soonyoung liked. He sucked at the tip, rubbing his tongue flat against the bottom of the tip and this seemed to make Soonyoung's knees almost buckle so he wrapped his arms strongly around Soonyoung's legs to keep him up while continuing. 

"Fuck, Ji. That...that's so good." Soonyoung strained looking down at Jihoon on his cock. Jihoon looked up at him, mouth full of his length, and winked. Soonyoung groaned and pulled Jihoon up off the bed. He leaned in and kissed Jihoon hard. Jihoon pulled him back on the bed and licked at his collarbone. 

Soonyoung pulled off Jihoon's clothes and smiled at the smaller's naked body underneath him.  
"Fuck you are so pretty." Soonyoung breathed into Jihoon's bare skin. "I am going to absolutely wreck this perfect little body." 

Jihoon had never heard Soonyoung talk so aggressively and it was definitely doing something to him. He felt his dick twitch and he let out a gasp when Soonyoung gripped him rubbing the precum up and down his shaft. While he was working his cock Soonyoung fumbled with his other hand to pull out a bottle of lube. 

"Seriously? You thought you'd get some?" Jihoon breathed.  
"I mean...eventually." Soonyoung smiled. 

He let go of Jihoon's cock and started coating his fingers. When Jihoon reached down to pull on himself Soonyoung slapped him away with a strong, "Mine." 

"Have you ever done this, Ji?" Soonyoung asked positioning himself in front of Jihoon. Jihoon shook his head. Soonyoung nodded and pushed back Jihoon's legs a bit and started to rub the outside of Jihoon's entrance, planting kisses up and down the back of his thighs. He slowly pressed in a finger and groaned at the way it made Jihoon twitch and hiss. Jihoon had never experienced anything up his ass before so he was absolutely surprised by how bad it did hurt. He gritted down and tried to focus on Soonyoung's lips that were now brushing over his nipples. 

"Good boy." Soonyoung breathed before biting and pulling on Jihoon's nub. "You're taking it so well, kitten."  
"Ki--kitten?" Jihoon stuttered.  
"Mmm..you're so small and grumpy. Like a little kitten." Soonyoung moved his lips across Jihoon's stomach while slowly moving in another finger.  
"Fuck, Soonyoung.." Jihoon gasped. He reached down again to touch himself but Soonyoung blocked him. 

Jihoon could feel his body relaxing and getting used to the intrusion. What was once pain was now starting to feel good. Soonyoung slowly scissored his fingers inside of Jihoon working his way open.  
"Soon, just fuck me," Jihoon begged.  
"No, I'm not going to hurt you. Just let me get you ready." Soonyoung laughed softly when Jihoon pouted. "Did you just fucking pout?"  
Jihoon glared at him and closed his eyes tightly. When Soonyoung slipped in a third finger Jihoon had enough waiting. He pressed his body down onto Soonyoung's fingers and smiled when he heard Soonyoung groan.  
"You're such a little bitch when you don't get your way, kitten," Soonyoung growled into Jihoon's ear pulling out his fingers, leaving Jihoon feeling empty. 

Jihoon watched as Soonyoung pumped his hand with lube over his dick and bit his lip when Soonyoung's head lolled back at the feeling. Jihoon suddenly felt nervous. He hoped he would be good enough for Soonyoung. He had never been that confident when it came to sexual things but he definitely wasn't confident being a bottom. Soonyoung rolled his head back forward and met Jihoon's gaze with a grin. 

His eyes were absolutely fierce and Jihoon swore he could have cummed just from that look. Soonyoung's strong arms steadied himself on either side of Jihoon and he leaned down to softly kiss Jihoon before moving a hand down to press his dick against Jihoon's entrance. 

Jihoon closed his eyes tightly and felt himself come undone when Soonyoung pressed in. 

"Oh, fuck, kitten. You are so tight." Soonyoung moaned loudly. Jihoon tried to focus on Soonyoung's labored breathing and not the pain. "Relax, baby. It's okay. Relax"  
Jihoon chased those words out of Soonyoung's mouth with his own and kissed messily against the other's lips.  
Once Jihoon relaxed and nodded his head Soonyoung was finally able to bottom out. 

"Fuck, Soon.." Jihoon gasped at feeling all of Soonyoung inside of him. "Move. I want to feel you." 

Soonyoung obeyed and started to move his hips. After a few seconds, he found the correct movement that had Jihoon gripping at his sheets. With each thrust, he would hit Jihoon's spot.  
"Ah, kitten you're so easy to please. Look at you. Are you going to cum untouched?"  
Jihoon wanted to glare at Soonyoung but god he felt so good so he just leaned his head back and moaned. 

Each thrust became harder and quicker. Jihoon was outright screaming at this point. He knew there was no way no one else could hear them but he didn't care. He wanted everyone to know that Kwon Soonyoung was his. He moaned the other's name and begged for him to touch him. 

Soonyoung was getting messy with his thrusts so Jihoon knew he was close.  
"Let me cum, Soon," Jihoon begged. Soonyoung smiled into his skin and breathed out a short no. 

He leaned up to watch Jihoon laid out underneath him. Completely undone. Messy hair, flushed bare skin, face strained with pleasure. Jihoon could feel the other's eyes on him and tried his best to not blush at the thought of being so exposed. Soonyoung must have noticed Jihoon's frustration because he grabbed onto the younger's dick and started to pump it in sync with the thrusts into Jihoon's prostate. 

Each hit made Jihoon yell and Soonyoung was full-on growling at this point. One hand digging into Jihoon's hip and the other pumping away at Jihoon's member. Jihoon starts feeling the warmth pool in the bottom of his stomach and he knew he was close. He pressed his body down as far as he could and as hard as he could against Soonyoung and let out the most embarrassing high pitch scream when he finally came. Ribbons of white spilling out over his stomach and into Soonyoung's hand. He rode out his orgasm as Soonyoung swore his name several times stuttering his body against his as he came as well.  
Jihoon was exhausted and sore but he couldn't stop himself from carding his fingers through Soonyoung's hair and running them over the other's face. He was so beautiful.

Soonyoung pulled himself out and leaned down to rest his forehead against Jihoon's. Jihoon tried to steady his breath. 

"I love you, Jihoon," Soonyoung whispered with his eyes closed.  
"I thought you weren't going to fall in love with me again?" Jihoon teased.  
"I don't have to again. I never stopped. I love you."  
"I love you too, Soonyoung."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter seems a little rushed and I know Joshua is kind of random to throw in out of the blue but I promise it will all tie together fine and he is needed. 
> 
> Also, I know Soonie and Hoons didn't talk more about the situation but there will be more talks about it. Even though they ended up in bed together it doesn't mean that everything is coming to an end. They still have a lot to get through before and if they get a happy ending. 
> 
> Again sorry if this seemed rushed. Questions and concerns and comments are always appreciated. To all my readers who support this and me I'm really thankful. My mind works better than my hands/words. So I am really appreciative of people who are enjoying this work.


	8. Don't Listen In Secret

"Lee JIhoon, I'm leaving," Soonyoung slapped him in the face with a pillow. "I have class...I need you...I need to leave." 

Jihoon rubbed his eyes and peeked one open to see Soonyoung standing over him with his hands on his hips. He lazily smiled at Soonyoung and reached out to grab his hand which Soonyoung immediately moved away. 

"Jihoon, stop." Soonyoung crossed his arms. Jihoon raised his eyebrows and sat himself up. 

"Soonie, are you ok? What is wrong?" Jihoon asked standing up to pull on his pants.  
"You. You are what's wrong with me Jihoon." Soonyoung huffed. He sighed slamming the door on his way out. 

Jihoon racked his brain trying to remember if he did something wrong but he couldn't think of anything. He sighed and slipped his shirt over his head before grabbing his wallet. 

"Damn, what'd you do?" Wonwoo asked sitting on his bed.  
"I have no fucking clue." Jihoon shrugged. "When did you get back?"  
"An hour ago. About the time Hoshi woke up in a fury."  
"Yeah, okay." Jihoon shook his head while bending over to slip on his shoes.  
"He probably is just freaking out considering you fucked." Wonwoo laughed.  
"How would you know?"  
"The whole floor is talking about the noises that came out of this room last night...kitten." Wonwoo raised an eyebrow at the other.  
"I'll kill you, Jeon." Jihoon glared.  
Wonwoo hissed. Jihoon picked up the slipper next to him and chucked it at the other's head. He walked out the door before he could hear Wonwoo start laughing again. 

He glanced around and caught a few snickers from some classmates walking by. He sighed and made his way to his studio space. He had been neglecting the space he had paid for because he had been so busy with socializing. He figured today was a good day to lock himself up. 

\---------

Jihoon checked his messages while looking at the clock on his desk. He had been at his studio space for almost 12 hours and still had zero message from Soonyoung. 

**wonwonwon: u coming back tonight? mingyu is worried about you.  
riceball: why  
wonwonwon: he said he saw you basically running to your studio earlier.  
riceball: tell mingyu to mind his own  
wonwonwon: okay kitty  
riceball: remind me to kill you next time i see you**

He sighed and glanced at the screen in front of him. He was working on the project he had with Soonyoung and was hitting a real roadblock when it came to a few certain parts. 

**riceball: Soonyoung. What is wrong?**

He waited. After about ten minutes he groaned and packed up his laptop and headed to the dance studio. 

It was dark and late but Jihoon imagined Soonyoung would be there...they were both very similar when it came to using work as a way to avoid other things. What they were avoiding Jihoon didn't know but he really missed Soonyoung. He couldn't focus on anything when he kept remembering the way Soonyoung's hands had gripped his hips. He shook his head a bit willing himself not to get half hard just over a single thought. 

When he got to the dance studio he peered in and saw Soonyoung on the floor eating with Jun, the other dance student. They were both laughing and looking at something on Jun's phone. Jihoon couldn't help but feel jealous. Did Soonyoung regret being with Jihoon last night? Was there something going on with Jun? He tried to lean up more to listen to what they said but ended up tumbling through the door instead. Jun and Soonyoung both turned around and looked at Jihoon puzzled. 

Jihoon straightened himself out and tried to will the blush on his face to go away.  
"Oh, hey!" He said. Jun immediately started laughing and Soonyoung just rolled his eyes. "Can we talk?"  
Jun stood up and walked towards Jihoon with a smile.  
"He's all yours." 

Soonyoung sighed watching Jun leave and poked around at the food laid out in front of him. Jihoon walked over cautiously before sitting in front of the other. 

"Do you want this rice? I'm guessing you haven't eaten. Gyu said you've been in the studio." Soonyoung said pushing over the container. Jihoon grabbed it but just held it in his hands studying Soonyoung's face. 

His eyes looked tired and his face was slightly flushed. Sweat still glistening on the back of his neck from probably a long dance routine. 

"Soonyoung," Jihoon started but Soonyoung interrupted by holding up his hand for Jihoon to stop. 

"I'm sorry." Soonyoung sighed. "I freaked out. I...I'm not used to someone wanting me to stay after sex."  
Jihoon nodded finally understanding. He reached out and held Soonyoung's hand.  
"I will always want you to stay, Soons."  
Soonyoung smiled softly and shook his head.  
"Stop being so un-Jihoon."  
"What does that even mean?" Jihoon chuckled putting a spoonful of rice in his mouth.  
"Nice."  
"Oh my fucking god, Soon. I'm a nice person. I'm always nice." rice flying from Jihoon's mouth.  
Soonyoung picked a piece off his cheek and faked puking.  
"You're so gross, Lee Jihoon."  
They both laughed quietly and Soonyoung leaned over to place a soft kiss on Jihoon's cheek. 

"What are we, Soon?" Jihoon asked finally.  
"We are us," Soonyoung whispered.  
"My boyfriend?" Jihoon questioned. His face fell when he saw Soonyoung shake his head.  
"Not yet. Ok? I still have some stuff to work out. Let's do this right first?" Soonyoung looked to Jihoon with worried eyes.  
"Of course. I'll wait." Jihoon reassured the other.  
"Let's just finish this big exam we have and do the showcase. If nothing has blown up by then... let's talk more about the boyfriend thing."  
"The showcase is in 3 weeks. How is nothing supposed to go wrong before then? Do you know our friend group?" Jihoon teased Soonyoung by tickling his ribs.  
"Better hope luck is on your side, Lee."  
Jihoon planted a kiss on the other before Soonyoung could deny it. Leaving Jihoon with a smile on his face and Soonyoung with pink ears and cheeks. 

\-------

It was late by the time Jihoon had made it back to his dorm. He walked in and was surprised to see Jun. He glanced once more at the number on the door and verified that yep he was in the right room. 

"Oh, little fairy?" Jun cooed reaching out to pinch the younger's cheeks.  
"Um. Hi, Jun?" Jihoon asked confused. 

"Jun, who are you--" Wonwoo stopped suddenly coming from the bathroom when he noticed Jihoon was back. "Oh, hey Jihoon."  
Jihoon glanced at his best friend and then Jun then back again. Noticing the blush that was now covering Wonwoo's neck and face.  
"I think I should probably go... it's pretty late." Jun smiled and wiggled his eyebrows at Jihoon. "Thanks for..the movie." He cupped Wonwoo's cheek in his hand and then walked to the door. Waving before leaving. 

Jihoon and Wonwoo both just stood in the middle of their dorm both watching the other. 

"What the fuck was that?" Jihoon asked sitting down on his bed.  
"Nothing, we just watched a movie," Wonwoo said cleaning his glasses as he sat on his bed. Refusing to meet the other's eyes.  
"At 3 am?" Jihoon questioned. "Are you cheating on Mingyu??"  
"NO. I would never do that. I just...I just I don't know Ji," Wonwoo sighed. Jihoon wanted to chew the other out but decided against it when he noticed how strained the other looked. "I've never been with anyone but Gyu, you know? I just... it's nice for someone else to see me." 

Jihoon shook his head. This was beyond something he would be helpful with.  
"Do you like him?" Jihoon asked.  
"I do. But I love Gyu." Wonwoo whispered. It was clear that this was something that Wonwoo was struggling with. Jihoon got up and sat down next to his best friend, wrapping the other in a hug.  
"Tell me about Jun," Jihoon suggested. "Make me get what's going on." 

"I don't know, Ji. I've been with Mingyu forever. He helped me. He helped me become okay with myself. But there are things I just don't get when it comes to him. He is reckless and careless and has no real vision for the future. He just wants to live. He keeps saying YOLO for god's sake." Jihoon can't help but laugh. Wonwoo smiles at him and continues, "Jun is...he is quiet and calm. He's smart. He is interested in books and art and can actually challenge me when it comes to video games. He just...he is different. It's different." Wonwoo sighs. 

Jihoon nods his head. He doesn't understand. He didn't have much experience in boys. Other than Soonyoung it had been Joshua and that was honestly just because he was there and Jihoon was a mess. If it would have been under different circumstances he doesn't even know if he would like Joshua. He ponders that insight and explains it to Wonwoo asking him if maybe it is kind of the same. 

"I don't know. I get that. But is Mingyu Joshua?" Wonwoo asks.  
"I don't know, Won," Jihoon laughs. "I am the worst person to give advice."  
"You really are." Wonwoo leans against his best friend. "You and Hoshi okay?  
"Ahh, yeah, I think this whole thing is just freaking him out. I'm just gonna not push it. Be there for him and then when he is ready, I'll be there."  
Wonwoo nods and smiles.  
"That's pretty wise of you, kitten."  
Jihoon immediately slaps Wonwoo over the back of the head and stands up. Stomping back over to his bed.  
"Fuck you, Jeon." Jihoon glared. "You do know that Jun is friends with Soonyoung, right?"  
"What?" Wonwoo asked surprised.  
"I'll say a prayer for you." Jihoon smiled turning out the light.

\--------------------------- 

Jihoon is tired. Between the somewhat helping his best friend get away with hanging out with someone who isn't Mingyu, making out with Soonyoung in the dance studio, and trying to work on his exam for the showcase he is stretched pretty thin. 

He is once again staring at his computer screen trying to just wish something good to show up on his screen. 

"Hey, coffee?" Soonyoung chimed slipping into the studio with a big smile on his face. Jihoon grunts. "Ohh, okay so we need a bottle of soju instead?"  
Jihoon snorts. "As if I would get anything done then."  
Soonyoung smiled and placed the coffee in front of Jihoon lingering next to him for a moment before quickly kissing him on the top of the head and moving to sit on the couch. Jihoon smiles to himself. He can't help but find Soonyoung cute especially when he isn't sure what is and isn't okay to do not being officially boyfriends. At this point, they are basically boyfriends...Soonyoung just doesn't want to admit it. Jihoon doesn't mind though. He is thankful for anything when it comes to the other. 

"I think I have the lyrics," Jihoon says taking a sip of his coffee. "Do you want to try singing the bit I have for you?"  
"Oh," Soonyoung reddens. "Like right now?"  
"Soonyoung, I've heard you sing." Jihoon chuckles.  
"No, you have heard me scream along to Shinee... it's different."  
"I sure hope so." Jihoon teases. The other sticking his tongue out. Jihoon playfully reaches over to act like he snatches the other's tongue.  
Soonyoung giggles and Jihoon swears he would lay his life down for Soonyoung if he needed to. He was perfect. How did things become so easy between them?

"I guess I can try," Soonyoung shrugs. Slipping his jacket off he gets up and moves to the mic next to Jihoon's desk. "Lyrics please?"  
Jihoon laughs and hands the paper to the other.  
"How did you manage to write something that perfectly fit us?" Soonyoung asks reading through the lyrics. This is me like a month or two ago. Acting like I hate you but hoping you still loved me. Your songs always just...get me."  
Jihoon smiles. He doesn't say anything just turns back to the monitor and cues the music. He decides not to watch the other so he won't get embarrassed. 

Once Soonyoung's vocals fill the room Jihoon feels his arm cover in goosebumps. He had never heard Soonyoung's actual singing voice. It's a little gravely but it's stable... it's deeper than his own but still has a softness to it. Jihoon has never heard anything more beautiful. When the other stops singing and look at Jihoon, he can't help but just stand up and catch the other in a kiss.  
"Was it that good?" Soonyoung giggles pushing the other away.  
"It was perfect, babe," Jihoon whispers running his hands down the other's arms. "I've never heard anything more beautiful."  
"Never?" Soonyoung raised an eyebrow at the younger, leaning forward to press his lips against Jihoon's ear. "Even when I say...kitten." Soonyoung's voice lowers and he growls out the word.  
Jihoon's eyes widen and he immediately pushes the other away.  
"You are unhinged." He says sitting back down at his monitor. Trying to not let the other see his body completely flushed red.  
Soonyoung laughs and cues Jihoon to run the track again so he can sing some more.

\----------------------------------

After a few hours of takes, they are both pleased with how the song sounds. 

"It really is great, Ji." Soonyoung smiles linking his pinky with the other's. They are both walking back to Jihoon's dorm. "So great that maybe we should celebrate."  
Jihoon looks up at Soonyoung and chokes on his spit when he sees the gaze the other is giving him.  
"Soonyoung, don't tease me." Jihoon stutters out. "I thought there was no more of that until we were official?"  
"You're going to make me change my mind, Lee," Soonyoung warned. Jihoon shut his mouth the rest of the walk home. 

By the time they made it to Jihoon's door their hands were all over each other. Soonyoung had Jihoon up against his door while he fumbled with trying to get the door open. He finally got the door open and glanced in to make sure they were alone but instead saw Wonwoo with Jun in his lap. Jihoon quickly shut the door and looked back at Soonyoung who looked confused. 

"You know what? You said we should wait. We should wait." Jihoon nervously stated. Soonyoung looked at him confused and irritated. Jihoon is positive he closed the door before Soonyoung got a peek. 

"Jihoon, are you serious?" Soonyoung asked, arms crossed. "You are pissing me off."  
"Well, what's new, Soon?" Jihoon laughed nervously playfully punching the other.  
"Did you just bro punch me?" Soonyoung asked glaring. "Why are you being so weird?"  
"I'm not. I just..I'm tired. Aren't you tired? You should go get some sleep. We have a long day of practice tomorrow." Jihoon strained a smile. Mentally reminding himself to kill Wonwoo for this.  
Jihoon is surprised when the other stomps his foot and pouts.  
"Baby, listen...I...you said we should wait. That we needed to do this right. I want you. I do. I just want to do what's right for you." Jihoon smiled softly and taking Soonyoung's hand.  
"I want to do YOU." Soonyoung pouted.  
"And you will. Just not tonight. Want me to walk you home?" Jihoon asked.  
"No, I need to I guess go take care of this myself," Soonyoung said while gesturing to his dick. 

Jihoon watched the other stomp off and willed himself to not follow. This was not going to go well in the morning. He waited a few minutes and then stepped inside his dorm. Glaring at both Wonwoo and Jun who were now not on each other and just sitting on the floor with controllers in their hands. 

"Fuck you both." Jihoon sneered. "I was literally about to get a very willing and sexy Soonyoung and had to tell him to just go home." He narrowed his eyes at his best friend. "You know that he has had me on a sex strike...I had...Oh my fucking god, Won, I hate you."  
Jihoon threw his shoes off and then threw himself face down on his bed.  
"Ji, I'm sorry...I didn't know you guys would come back." Wonwoo sighed.  
"I'm sure Hosh wouldn't have minded." Jun laughed. "We are friends."  
"WE KNOW." Both Jihoon and Wonwoo fussed.  
"Hosh is Mingyu's best friend," Wonwoo explained to a confused Jun. Jun nodded with raised eyebrows.  
"Well, this is a complete shit fest then, huh?" Jun said focusing back on the video game they were playing.  
"You have no idea." Wonwoo sighed. 

\----  
Jihoon sat on his bed arms crossed when Wonwoo got back in from walking Jun downstairs.

"What the fuck, Won?" Jihoon hissed. "I thought you guys weren't physical?"  
"We aren't. Weren't." Wonwoo sighed pulling his glasses off and rubbing the bridge of his nose. He sat at his desk and turned around a few times in his chair refusing to meet Jihoon's eyes.  
"So, you fucked?" Jihoon asked. "You are getting fucked by TWO people while I'm only fucking my hand. This is fucking great." Jihoon knew he was being dramatic and throwing a fit but my god he wanted to be wrapped around Soonyoung instead of having this awkward ass conversation. 

"We didn't fuck." Wonwoo said meeting Jihoon's eyes to prove that he was telling the truth. "We kissed. Just once. We were talking and Jun climbed in my lap and kissed me. That's what you walked in on."  
Jihoon sighed. He could tell his best friend was telling the truth.  
"Well, how was it?"  
"I wasn't expecting it. And well you kind of ruined the mood. But...it was different. New. Kind of clumsy though."  
Jihoon laughed a little at that and it brought a smile to Wonwoo's face.  
"I'm sure the clumsy had to do with you, not Jun. He looks like he knows how to kiss."  
"Oh, yeah, it was me. I was a mess." 

They both fall into silence and Wonwoo finally gets up to head to the bathroom. He stops at the door and turns around.  
"Ji, thank you. I know...I know this is wrong. Thank you for understanding why I am doing this."  
"I don't understand, Won. You have a perfect boyfriend. I don't get it."  
"He's not perfect. I'm not perfect. Hell, Jun isn't either. I just...I'm tired of being Mingyu's Wonwoo. I just want to be Wonwoo."  
Jihoon nodded finally realizing that this wasn't really even about Mingyu or Jun. His best friend was going through something and even though he didn't get it and maybe didn't support it he knew he needed to be there for him.  
"Well, maybe you need to talk to Mingyu. Maybe a break would help? Wouldn't that be better than...this?"  
Wonwoo nodded before heading into the bathroom. 

Jihoon heard the shower turn on right after he heard his best friend let out a sob. He sighed and reached for his phone. 

**Soonie: i hate u  
Soonie: im sorry  
Soonie: i tend to make sex about my worth..so when you didnt want it..it made me feel like i wasnt enough for you.  
Soonie: im sorry im so messed up. this is why i don't deserve you.  
riceball: hey. stop. i dont deserve you. you are perfect, soonyoung. so beautiful, smart, strong..everything to me. i just need you to understand i dont love you because of sex. i love you because of you. i promise i want to have sex with you. i just want to do this right as we talked about.  
Soonie: i know. im sorry im so emotional and crazy  
Soonie: i love you  
Soonie: have you talked to won? mingyu says he hasn't been responding to calls  
riceball: yeah he's been in the dorm a lot. think he is just tired or something.  
Soonie: you would tell me if it was something else, right?  
riceball: yeah of course**

Jihoon tossed his phone on the bed and covered his face with his hands.  
"Fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick little update. 
> 
> Soonyoung and Jihoon are still figuring things out  
> But there is another couple who is also trying to as well. 
> 
> Comments and questions always appreciated. 
> 
> Hope you guys like a look into another couple and the drama that will unfold there.  
> Team Gyu or Team Jun? Whos side are you on?


	9. I Don't Know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its my birthday so I thought I would do an update.   
> Its kinda short but essential to the story that is about to unfold!  
> Hope everyone has a good weekend! 
> 
> Comments, suggestions whatever are always welcome!   
> If you want to chat I'm on twitter (simply_soonhoon) insta (lizzloop_) or tiktok (simpingforseventeen_)
> 
> Thanks!

Jihoon was exhausted. But was thankful that it was a long week's holiday so he could relax a little at least on the school front. However, he wouldn't be able to get a break from lying to basically his boyfriend and helping his best friend basically cheat. 

Jihoon laid in bed and refused to open his eyes. Not because he was still tired but because he could hear Wonwoo and Jun giggling. Jihoon turned to face the wall and silently tried to send a fuck you telepathically to his roommate. This is the third night in a row that Jun has slept over. Jihoon actually didn't mind Jun, he actually really liked the older boy but he also knew Mingyu was just as sweet. He could understand the attraction Wonwoo had for the other especially the way he delicately moved when he did anything, it's almost like he danced instead of walked. Not only was Jun beautiful but he was very easy to get along with. Unlike Mingyu he was a little bit more reserved in talking, didn't feel the need to fill up any silence in the room and Jihoon appreciated that. Not that Mingyu was annoying, he just was...well, Mingyu. 

Jihoon thought back to last night and how he had joined Wonwoo and Jun for dinner. It was a small meal that Jun had prepared for them all. It was a bunch of different recipes from his hometown and honestly, it was one of the most fun nights Jihoon had had. The three of them crowded around in the middle of the room all picking food off each other's plates and talking about a wide variety of topics from music to dance and even to astronomy. Jihoon had always been a fan of all things space but never spent much time on it but Jun had definitely reignited that passion and the three of them could get into some pretty long discussions on different constellations and galaxies. There was a certain comfort when Jun was around and it was hard to not enjoy it. 

Things with Mingyu though had gotten painfully weird and Jihoon hated that. Anytime Mingyu came around Jihoon would close up, too scared he would say something about Jun or somehow out his best friend. Jihoon knew Mingyu was picking up on his weird vibes but luckily Jihoon was a bit awkward in general so he was able to play it off like that. 

Jihoon rolled over and glared at the two in Wonwoo's bed. Though they both still swore up and down that they weren't physical, other than the one kiss Jun had landed on the younger...Jihoon couldn't help but think they were more affectionate and intertwined regardless of their no kissing rule. They easily fit well next together and the soft look Wonwoo had when watching Jun play a game on his phone spoke volumes regardless if anyone in the room wanted to admit it. Jihoon couldn't help but compare the two to him and Soonyoung. Although they were obviously not in the same situation there were a lot of similarities in the in-betweenness of the relationship status. Jihoon had always worried about Mingyu's feelings but he also wondered how Jun felt being the "other man." 

Wonwoo caught Jihoon's gaze and smiled apologetically. Jihoon just rolled his eyes and Wonwoo laughed while pushing himself up.   
"I'm going to go get some coffee for us. You okay here?" He asked Jun. Jun nodded without looking away from his game and Jihoon just shrugged. 

Once Wonwoo had thrown on a sweater and slipped out Jun put down his phone. 

"Do you think I'm horrible, Jihoon?" Jun asked quietly. Jihoon almost hadn't heard him. He raised his eyebrows and sat up against his headboard. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. Trying to gather his thoughts. 

"No, of course not Jun. I actually really enjoy you. I just wish that whatever this is wasn't something that is going to hurt Mingyu." Jihoon stated refusing to meet the other's eyes. Finding a loose string on his blanket suddenly interesting.   
"I don't think he will leave him." Jun's voice wavered. The sudden weakness in the other's voice made Jihoon look up to meet the other's eyes. He had only ever seen Jun overly confident and happy so seeing the older now on the verge of tears was a situation that Jihoon wasn't necessarily prepared for. 

"If he does or doesn't I think Mingyu will still be hurt." Jihoon weakly smiled at the other. "I can't imagine this is easy for you either." 

"It isn't. But it is. The situation isn't easy. The not knowing if I'll be good enough for Wonwoo to leave the only man he has ever loved. The not knowing if Soonyoung will hate me because I played a part in hurting his best friend. The sadness in Wonwoo's eyes every time he declines a call from Mingyu. None of that is easy. But being with Won is completely effortless. We are strict on the physical side of things, you know this, but just being next to him sometimes feels like enough. Hearing that laugh of his and knowing I'm the reason behind it leaves me feeling breathless more than any kiss could." Jun sighed into his hands. "Sorry, I don't cry but for some reason, I'm emotional today." 

Jihoon shook his head and walked over to sit next to Jun. He took Jun's hand in his and just squeezed. Jihoon didn't know what to say. He didn't have any words that would help the other and he was thankful that Jun knew that. Although he had just met Jun shortly ago the two of them have a silent understanding with each other and it's something Jihoon is grateful for. 

"This is cute." Wonwoo smiles closing the door behind him with his foot, balancing a few cups of coffee in his hands. He hands one to Jihoon and then to Jun before sitting down at his desk to blow on his before taking a sip. "You guys okay?" 

Wonwoo had noticed the wet eyes that Jun tried to hide and the solemn look on Jihoon's face. 

"We are okay. But you guys should talk. I'm going to go find Soonyoung." Jihoon smiled standing to fish out a hoodie. He grabbed his wallet and his coffee and headed out. Before leaving though he placed a small kiss on the top of his best friend's head. The gesture clearly surprised Wonwoo and even Jihoon because he wasn't an affectionate person...but he couldn't help but just love his best friend and want him to be happy. 

He made his way out to the courtyard and called Soonyoung. They agreed to meet as soon as Soonyoung was finished with dance so he decided to just wait under a tree. He could use a couple more hours of sleep. If it was possible Jihoon would sleep the majority of his life away. 

"Jihoon?" Mingyu asked. 

Jihoon opened his eyes and tried not to groan. "Gyu? Hey!"   
"Yeah, it's uh been awhile?" Mingyu laughed nervously sitting down next to Jihoon. Jihoon just smiled and they both sat there in painful awkwardness.   
"Did Wonwoo ever tell you about how we met?" Mingyu asked picking at a blade of grass.   
"Just the whole you beat up some dudes that were messing with him thing." Jihoon smiled. 

"Yeah, but we had met before then." Mingyu started. "We went to school together. Of course, while we were in school I didn't really know him. I had seen him around but he wasn't exactly my scene. He was much nerdier, I guess, while I was a star basketball player."   
Jihoon nodded. He hadn't realized they knew each other before the incident. 

"We both knew of each other but that was really it. He was open about being gay and I was kinda staying away from that. I'm sure you understand."   
Jihoon grunted in agreement. "Unfortunately." 

"Anyways, one night when I was coming home from a grad party I had seen him being pushed around by some guys and I don't know...I just couldn't let it happen. So, I got him out of the situation. It was weird because the whole time I'd see him in school I just assumed he was confident because he was out. But that night he looked so small." Mingyu sighed. He stops for a second recollecting his thoughts while Jihoon tries to stay focus but also hopes his roommate and Jun don't walk out of the building together. That would be some fucking luck. 

"I was interested in boys but not like 100 percent. Like I still think I'm probably more bi than fully gay but after that night Won kind of stuck to me. I think he was lost in what to do. Our town was nothing and the fact that high school had just ended was hitting all of us. We ended up hooking up. I...I was drunker than I like to admit. But I hated seeing Wonu hurt. At first, I wasn't really wanting anything and when I told him about university it was kind of me letting him know that we weren't going to be serious. But he ended up applying too. It had stressed me out because I felt like everything was going a million miles per second. He was so certain we were meant to be and I was still trying to figure out what I even wanted." 

Jihoon looked at Mingyu irritated. "So, you don't even like him? You just pitied him?"   
"No. Well..maybe in the beginning. But I fell in love with him, Ji. Like one day I was just like wow I love him. Since that day I realized it I swore I would never let a day go by that Wonu wouldn't know I loved him. I felt like I was almost making up for all the days I wasn't sure or something."   
Jihoon nodded and noticed Soonyoung running over. Thank god he thought.   
"Anyways, I just...I just need you to know how much I love him. And I'm just really glad you are his friend because although he is friends with all my friends...I know having his own probably makes him really happy."   
Jihoon smiled at Mingyu and then they both just kind of held each other's gaze. Jihoon wasn't sure but he definitely felt like maybe Mingyu was trying to mark some territory or something. The thought crossed his mind that maybe Mingyu thought Wonwoo was skipping out on him to be with Jihoon instead and that thought almost made Jihoon start laughing on spot. 

"Hey!" Soonyoung breathed throwing himself down on the ground in front of the two. "Where's Won?"   
Mingyu and Soonyoung both looked at Jihoon.   
"I don't know." Jihoon shrugged.   
There was a weird silence and Jihoon honestly considered just running away from the situation but that would look really weird so he just stayed planted trying to not meet Soonyoung's eyes and completely give everything away. There was no way his current face wasn't basically a sign saying, "My roommate is cheating and I'm stuck in the middle of it." 

"Hm," Soonyoung hummed narrowing his eyes at Jihoon. "Well, let's double tonight? Dinner?"   
"That would be awesome. It feels like it's been forever since I've gone on a date with Won." Mingyu chirped. Jihoon could already feel Mingyu's overly excited energy and it only furthered the realization that Jihoon really didn't get enough sleep.   
"Yeah, I'll ask Won." Jihoon smiled tightly.   
"Cool, I will too. If he answers." Mingyu laughs."See you two tonight!"

Jihoon watched Mingyu runoff and about shit his pants when he saw Mingyu running straight to their dorm. 

"Soonyoung, tell Mingyu to call Won..not to just show up." Jihoon blurted reaching for his phone. Soonyoung stopped the other's hand and narrowed his eyes. 

"What aren't you telling me, Jihoon?" Soonyoung's voice was stern.   
"Look...he's not cheating...he's just confused." Jihoon stammered out. He could feel his back starting to sweat when he saw the shock fill Soonyoung's eyes.   
"What do you mean?" Soonyoung sat on his knees in front of Jihoon, hands on his shoulders basically shaking the other.   
"He's with Jun!"   
"Jun?"   
"Jun."  
"Like, Jun in my dance class, Jun?"   
Jihoon just nodded. Soonyoung let go of his shoulders and slumped a bit.   
"And you knew this whole time but didn't tell me? Just lied to me." Soonyoung scoffed.   
"No. Yes. Dammit, Soonyoung it's not that simple. I wasn't like condoning the whole situation but Won is my best friend. He just needed some time to figure it out."   
"And did he?" Soonyoung asked.   
"I don't know but I think we are about to find out." Jihoon pointed behind Soonyoung. They both watched as Mingyu made his way up the stairs at the same time Jun and Wonwoo were coming out the door.   
"Oh fuck." Soonyoung whispered.   
"Yep." Jihoon sighed. 

They both sat quietly while they watched the heated and awkward exchange between the trio. Mingyu was clearly upset by the way he threw his arms around while shooting daggers at Jun. Wonwoo looked absolutely mortified and Jun looked just as angry as Mingyu. It was probably only a matter of minutes but Jihoon swore it felt like hours until the three of them separated and all went different ways. He thought about chasing after Wonwoo but the look Soonyoung was giving him advised him maybe he should just stay where he is. 

"I can't believe you kept this from me." Soonyoung threw his dance bag at the younger. Jihoon winced and reached for Soonyoung's hand. At first, Soonyoung pulled back but after a minute he finally let Jihoon lace their fingers together. 

"I'm sorry, Soonie. I wasn't trying to lie to you. I was just trying to be there for my friend." Jihoon whispered leaning forward to push back some of the hair that had fallen in Soonyoung's eyes.   
"I know. I'm sure it wasn't an easy spot to be in. Just no more lies, please?"   
"No more lies."   
"Mingyu is going to be hell to deal with today." Soonyoung sighed. Jihoon chuckled and rubbed small circles into Soonyoung's hand.   
"It'll work out."   
"I hope so. I guess dinner is canceled?" Soonyoung joked while opening his buzzing phone.   
Jihoon kissed Soonyoung's hand while he read the message and raised his eyebrows in question when he saw the disbelief on Soonyoung's face.   
"Uh. Scratch that. Dinner. At 7. Wonwoo and Mingyu will be there."   
Jihoon nodded slowly, "This isn't going to go well is it?"  
"Nope." 

They both sighed and Jihoon pulled Soonyoung against his chest. He fell asleep under the tree carding his finger's through his non-boyfriend's hair worrying about his best friend and the really weird dinner that was waiting for them later. 

\----------------

If Jihoon had to pick the most awful dinner ever, this would be it. Hands down. Jihoon glanced around the restaurant and took note of all possible exits in case he had to make a run for it. 

To say this dinner was tense was an understatement. Jihoon felt stuffy in his dress shirt and could tell Soonyoung was clearly freaking out as well because he kept fidgeting with his chopsticks and also kept doing the weirdest laugh that Jihoon had ever heard. It almost made Jihoon start laughing but the look on Wonwoo's face across from him grounded him not to. 

Mingyu was sitting next to Wonwoo dressed in a silk blouse that flowed openly at the top showing off his collarbones. Jihoon clearly could tell Mingyu's strategy tonight was to look fuckable. Wonwoo next to him though was in jeans and a university sweatshirt, clearly not getting the memo that this was supposed to be a nice dinner or maybe he just didn't give a shit. Jihoon couldn't help but wish he too would have dressed down. 

"So, Wonwoo how are classes going?" Soonyoung asked picking at his food on his plate. The majority of the conversation had been between Mingyu and Soonyoung so this was clearly Soonyoung's poor way of trying to segway into bringing in the other two boys. 

"Uh, they are fine. Been pretty busy with my research papers. As much as I love literature I really don't enjoy citations and whatnot." Wonwoo took a sip of his beer. "But I got a part-time at the library so I'm pretty excited to start that." 

Jihoon couldn't help but perk up at that. Jihoon couldn't imagine anywhere else that would make Wonwoo happy than working at a library. "That is awesome dude! When did that happen?" 

"Actually this afternoon. I had been thinking of applying for a while but didn't think I'd really have the time. Luckily, Jun knew a friend who worked there and they both assured me while I'm working I can work on my school work and use all the resources there. So, it's a win-win." Wonwoo stilled when he realized he said Jun's name. 

The whole table was silent. Then Jihoon started laughing nervously because holy fuck this was terrible. Jihoon couldn't stop laughing even when he caught Soonyoung's glare and saw Mingyu roll his eyes. He met Wonwoo's gaze and his best friend just huffed out a laugh and shook his head. 

"Jihoon, you are unhinged." Wonwoo laughed taking another sip. 

"Well, I'm glad that JUN was able to help you in SO many ways." Mingyu bit out taking a quick swig of his wine. Placing the glass back on the table a little too hard where the table shook. Jihoon immediately stopped laughing and glanced at the exit. He was ready to run.  
"Well, he DID help a lot, so thanks!" Wonwoo spouted back. 

Jihoon chugged the last of his beer and leaned over to whisper to Soonyoung.   
"So should we run now or later?"   
Soonyoung giggled and playfully pushed Jihoon. Jihoon couldn't help but smile at how cute Soonyoung was.   
"Let's just get through this, yeah?" Soonyoung suggested. Jihoon nodded and ordered another beer. 

By the time they had finished the dinner, there had been several small jabs and Mingyu crying at least once. 

"If you are going to leave me for Jun, then just do it. Honestly, I don't even care at this point." Mingyu leaned back in his chair challenging Wonwoo.   
"If I leave you it won't be because of Jun." Wonwoo glared back.  
"Why would you ever leave ME? It should be me leaving YOU." Mingyu strained a smile.   
"Why should I even answer your question when you provide the answer yourself?"

"Hey," Jihoon cleared his throat. "Maybe you guys can just talk about it instead of like whatever the weird aggressive thing you are doing now."   
"You are the last person I will be taking relationship advice from." Mingyu pointed his chopstick at Jihoon. Soonyoung gasped and slapped Mingyu's hand down.   
"Gyu, don't take your frustrations out on Ji!"  
"You mean the guy that like fucked you up emotionally for years? The guy who helped Won cheat on me and LIED to you about it?"   
Soonyoung glared at Mingyu.   
"I'm not going to fight with you, Gyu." Soonyoung sighed reaching over to grab Jihoon's hand. Mingyu rolled his eyes. 

"No, he's right," Jihoon said. "I messed up a lot when I was in high school. Did things I will never forgive myself for. Also, lying to Soon was hell the last few weeks but I did it because my best friend needed me. I have NEVER had a best friend that loved me and respected me as Won does. Did I want to lie to Soon? No. But I did it because my best friend needed me. Do you think he was just parading around with Jun this whole time having the time of his life? No, Mingyu. He has been torn up about all this and regardless of what you think never once crossed the line with Jun. He should have been honest but how could he be when you don't even let him talk half the time?" 

The table fell silent. Wonwoo reached over and squeezed Jihoon's hand. The silent thanks hung between them. He felt Soonyoung squeeze his other hand as well in the reassurance that everything was okay between them. At that moment Jihoon felt completely surrounded by love. 

"I can't read his fucking mind," Mingyu stated clearly annoyed with everyone. 

"No, you can't. I should have told you I was feeling the way that I was but Mingyu anytime I try to have serious conversations with you, you don't want to do it. If there is a movie I want to see you can't even just sit there for 2 fucking hours and just be with me...no you'd rather either not watch it at all or just sit on your phone the whole time. We have NOTHING in common. At first, it didn't bother me because you saved me and oh my god you are so beautiful. The most beautiful boy I've ever seen. And your heart... it's the best part of you. But we both know you have never enjoyed my company other than just out of you feeling like you owe it to me because you think I would like...not exist if it wasn't for you." Wonwoo took a second to breathe. "Are we together because we love each other, Gyu, or are we together because it's just how it's been?"

Mingyu sighed. 

"I do love you, Won." 

"And I love you too, Gyu. But are you in love with me? Do you even like being with me?" Wonwoo pleaded with the other. Mingyu's silence answered Wonwoo. "Okay then maybe we should just end it now before we resent each other more?" 

"Sure, Won," Mingyu said defeated. He stood up and threw a few bills on the table. "See you guys around." 

All three of them watch the younger leave and Soonyoung was on the verge of tears. 

"Hoshi, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought Ji into this and I'm sorry I hurt your friend." Wonwoo reached to touch Soonyoung slightly on the arm. Soonyoung smiled and patted his hand.   
"Won, it's okay. I don't want Mingyu hurt but your feelings matter too. If you're not happy then I don't want that. You are my friend too. Not just because you were dating Gyu."   
"You don't know how much that means to me to hear. Sometimes I wonder who I am if I'm not attached to Gyu's hip. I came to this university because Gyu suggested it. All my friends other than Ji were met because of Gyu. I just...I need to figure out who Wonwoo is without whoever I'm dating." 

"Does this mean you are going to be with Jun?" Jihoon wondered. He was surprised to see his best friend shake his head. "No?"  
"Not right now. We had a long talk and we both agreed I should take some time to myself. This was hard on Jun too. If I'm going to be with Jun or hell anyone I need to figure out my shit first. Luckily Jun understood." Wonwoo explained. 

"I think...it will all work out, Won. Things have a weird way of doing so." Soonyoung smiled at Wonwoo and then turned to smile at Jihoon. 

\---------------

Wonwoo had left for the library after dinner so Soonyoung and Jihoon were back at his dorm alone for the first time in a long time. 

"You know this whole Wonwoo and Mingyu thing has really made me realize a lot." Soonyoung leaned against Jihoon's chest. They were both laying on Jihoon's bed listening to music. 

"Oh?" Jihoon hummed. 

"Yeah, I know I still have past stuff and I know you probably do too but I don't want to put us on hold anymore. Regardless of everything I know I love you. I know I love being around you. I know I would sit through a 2-hour movie I hated just because you wanted to see it." Soonyoung smiled up at Jihoon. 

Jihoon could feel his cheeks warm and he couldn't hide his smile. 

"So does this mean?" Jihoon asked poking a few fingers into Soonyoung's ribs to make the other giggle. 

"Yes, boyfriend." Soonyoung laughed. 

Jihoon pulled Soonyoung up to face him and kissed the other's lips. They both deepened the kiss with Jihoon's hands trailing down the side of Soonyoung's body. Soonyoung carded one hand through the back of Jihoon's hair and the other tightened close to Jihoon's neck. Soonyoung moved away from Jihoon's mouth and left sloppy kisses down his jaw and then the column of Jihoon's neck. Sucking a bit just at Jihoon's collarbone. A small sound escaped Jihoon's mouth and he felt Soonyoung smile into his skin. He was just about to guide his hands down into the front of Soonyoung's pants when the other's phone started to buzz. 

"Let me get that out for you," Jihoon whispered into a giggling Soonyoung's ear. He reached into Soonyoung's pocket...playing around a bit more than needed making Soonyoung giggle more. He pulled it out to hand to Soonyoung but stopped when he saw the name and photo that was flashing across the screen. "Why is Seungcheol calling you?" 

Jihoon felt Soonyoung's body stiffen and was surprised when Soonyoung swiped the phone out of his grasp quickly. "It's...its nothing. I...I can explain. But I should take this." 

Jihoon was left jaw dropped on the bed watching his boyfriend run into the bathroom to take the call. His fists tightened when he heard the other answer the phone sweetly, "Cheollie?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the story is about to get really interesting. I hope you guys enjoy the fun that is about to happen! 
> 
> Sad about Mingyu and Wonwoo but proud of Wonwoo for doing what he felt was needed for himself. I really love his and Jihoon's friendship.


End file.
